Excuses, Excuses....

We are well aware that there is nothing quite like turning on your computer, and excitedly going to this blog to find a fresh new post. We also recognize the other end of the spectrum, that inevitable deep disappointment when you are not greeted with a glorious new post.

We have been slacking a little bit lately, but we want to let you know we have excuses. Here is a sampling:

I haven't seen any movies lately.

I haven't found my voice.

I demand a raise! (It's only fair, the Avon Lady made $443.80 for saying "heck")

My fingers are numb.

The sun was in my eyes.

I'm gettin' too old for this shit.

These are tough economic times we're in.

Thanks for listening. While you await our next post, enjoy this post about us not posting.

-Management

Movie Review

Answers To Some of Life's Questions

What is beauty? Why do bad things happen to good people? What is love? What happens after death? These are some of the Great Human Questions that have inspired great minds to think of great answers and write great amounts of literature to fill great libraries.

They are called "great" human questions because that's what the instructors of Humanities 2930 at Edison Community College, in Fort Myers, Florida call them. And Edison CC is the nexus of the most important philosophical work being done today on this topic. (Additionally, the institution's proximity to Fort Myers Beach affords it a unique perspective from which to view the anthropological marvel known as "Spring Break" and so Edison is also home to some of today's preeminent researchers in the field of Great Human Binge Drinking.)

Edison CC will soon be offering the course "Great Human Answers." Here is a sneak preview of the syllabus (subject to change):

Humanities 9001: Great Human Answers

• Week 1:
• Yes
• Week 2
• No
• Week 3
• I don't think so.
• Week 4
• I doubt it.
• Week 5
• I don't like to talk about that time in my life.
• Week 6
• Only on Tuesdays.
• Week 7
• I'm not at liberty to say.
• Week 8
• Brie cheese and a bikini.
• Week 9
• 5:10 a.m. May 5, 1996
• Week 10
• Blue! My eyes are blue!!

At the end of the course, students will be prepared to answer almost any question posed to them. However, the instructors realize that some questions simply elude satisfactory response, now, and possibly forever. Example: "What is Miley Cyrus?" Not answerable. You may think "Nobody knows" is a sufficient reply. But you would be wrong. This question should be ignored and the inquirer shunned for having spoken the creature's name at all and risking its attention.

Mug of the Day

For the coffee-swilling bowler in your life.

Best Picture Nominees Announced!

Since this is allegedly a movie review blog, we feel it is our duty as civic servants to report on one of the most important movie days of the year, the Oscar nominations. While admittedly we collectively have not seen all of these yet, that won't stop us from at least allowing our readers a sneak peek at this year's contenders.

I'm Miserable:  It's a musical...with Russell Crowe...singing! Movie poster here!

Linkedin: Daniel Day Lewis in a gritty performance as a seasoned professional with over 18 years of experience in financial services and customer service, and over 300 connections. Of course we know how it ends, his account is hacked by an evil corporation, the dental company John Wilkes' Tooth.

Django Unchained: Read my review here!

Like of Pie: Vivian Sinclair stars in a touching tale of one woman's quest to construct the perfect peanut butter pie.

Beasts of the Southern Wild : Read Paige's review here!

(F)Argo:  It was an idea so crazy it was bound to work. A CIA agent (Ben Affleck) attempts to rescue a group of Americans from Iran by pretending to be a Coen brother putting together a film crew for a re-shoot of Fargo. Tragedy ensues when Steve Buscemi's character must be sacrificed in a wood chipper.

Amour: Mal être honnête, je n'ai rien à dire.

Sliver-Lined Playbook: In a topsy-turvy, post-apocalyptic world, a football coach battles multiple slivers and searches for love, and tweezers, in an epic race against time.

Zero Dark Thirty-Rock: Yet another gem from director Kathryn Bigelow. When all military options have failed, only one option remains: Tina Fey. Even Osama Bin laden is not immune to her acerbic wit and sexy glasses.

New Year's Resolution of the Week: Be a Better Listener

In response to my most recent post, I received the following fan mail:

Dear Paige,

I was really looking forward to the first FMR post of the year. Some friends and I went so far as to make wagers as to what the post would be about. I'll be honest, that's how we spent our New Year's Eve. Anyway, I finally see a post come up today, and it's about Gerard Depardieu? Now don't get me wrong, it was funny, and I know Mike is a bit of a Frenchie, but couldn't you have come up with something more... festive?

Thanks,
Nan R., Minot, ND

Nan, thanks for coming forward with your concerns. That takes courage. I can't speak for Mike, but I reward and look kindly upon your kind of pluckiness. I want people to feel they can let me know when I have failed them. For your bravery, you receive a special picture.

The Fluorescent Light Above My Desk

I spent 20 minutes staring at this after reading your letter. Why?

I don't know. I guess I was just bored.

I hope that answers your question.

Gérard Depardieu: Persecution, Flight, Vodka

What fiscal cliff? I've been spending my time following the continuing saga of Gérard Depardieu.

Here is my abridged, almost entirely ignorant, and probably unfollowable version of the events that have transpired thus far:

• 75% income tax proposed for millionaires in La Frahnce. It's a terrible time to be wealthy.
• Depardieu moves to Belgium. For the culture? Doubtful.
• French Prime Minister calls D. "pathetic." Is he talking about Green Card? Non.