We're Out

The rumors are true....we are leaving this godforsaken place.

We realize this is shocking news, but don't be dismayed, as we've simply moved to Wordpress! The site, along with all of its past (and if things go as planned, future) glory, can now be found here.

The Hundred-Foot Journey

I got a parking ticket for $80 as, in blissful unawareness, I watched this movie.

It was a stupid parking ticket. I won't go into details. Except to say that the Coca-Cola company can kiss my [redacted].

Was it worth it?

It cost me 80 cents a foot. I guess that's not much. Go for it.

Preview of a Review

In a world....that has become a desolate wasteland, one man and one woman take the journey of a lifetime through space and time. Danger and magic lurk at every turn, in an epic coming-of-age tale with a twist that you'll be talking about for weeks.

Critics are already talking:

"Uninspiring" 

"Marginally adequate"

"Dull and mindless"

"Quixotic, but ultimately off the mark"

"A funny and exciting romp that will force the Academy to stand up and take notice! A veritable tour de force!!" - Ron Brewington, American Urban Radio Networks

Yes, from the glob that brought you such classic posts as the death of Mike's coffee maker , and a dreamy picture of Kenny Loggins. comes....

New movie reviews!!!! Yes, our globbers have been fervently been hitting the theaters (only those which serve alcohol) in order to bring you up to speed on what's happening in the world of cinema.

COMING NOVEMBER 2014*

*or later

This is it.

The best album cover of all time.

Hear the magic.

Her- A Heartwarming Tale of Love, Desperation, and High-Rising Pants

In the 80's and 90's, falling for your blow-up doll was all the rage. Okay, maybe that was just in my house, but let's just say there was a sort of running gag about lovelorn losers falling for an air-filled, inhuman, yet strikingly attractive doll.

In Her, operating systems are the new blow-up dolls, only for the completely opposite reasons. While blow-up dolls were objects of pure physical pleasure (I'm told), the operating system fling simply satisfies the human desire for companionship and someone to talk to. In the not-completely-unrealistic future in Her, contact with fellow humans is generally eschewed, as people can't be bothered to look up from their phones long enough to acknowledge the homo-sapiens right in front of them. To be honest, given the frumpy style of dress and general disheveled look the people in the film have, I'm not sure I'd want to look up either.

The movie raised a few far-reaching questions for me: What exactly do we desire from a relationship? Will technology really advance to the point where human contact is no longer a necessity? Would the story have been as believable if the voice of the operating system were say, Anne Ramsey instead of Scarlett Johansson? Is the torrid affair I had with Windows '95 suddenly a little more legitimate?

The preceding paragraphs may not have hinted at whether or not I enjoyed the movie, which I absolutely did. Watch it on your computer, you just might fall in love with it. The computer that is.


Mix in a belt!!!

Blue is the Warmest Color: A Stream of Consciousness Movie Review

There are two dollars on my desk. What am I going to do with two dollars? That won’t actually buy a cup of coffee in a lot of places. Wait, it might buy a cup of regular drip at Starbucks. Maybe inflation isn’t as bad as I think it is. What does this have to do with Blue is the Warmest Color? Well, I guess my coffee isn’t as warm as it could be. If it were, it would be blue coffee. That sounds disgusting. I would never drink blue coffee. Except if it had always been blue, in which case I wouldn’t care and would think that brown coffee was gross. What if poo were blue? That would be interesting. Then the toilet cleaner liquid wouldn’t be blue because if it were, it would chromatically signify that you were cleaning your toilet with poo-colored liquid. And nobody would want that. So maybe toilet boil cleaner would be orange or something. Why isn’t it orange now? Oh, right, because blue for some reason equates with clean. Some might say that Blue is the Warmest Color isn’t exactly clean in places. I am so sick of hearing about those scenes whenever anyone mentions that movie. Not that there are a lot of people in my life talking about it. Or anyone for that matter. I don’t think I know anyone else who has seen the movie. But there was a lot more to the movie than those scenes. Sex! Sex!! Sex!!! That’s all anyone ever wants to talk about. What about plot? What about love? What about toilet boil cleaner for God's sake. Okay, I don’t remember any toilet bowl cleaner in the movie, but I do think I saw someone drinking coffee out of a bowl. I saw that in that movie Swimming Pool, also a French movie. So I came to the understanding that French people drink coffee out of bowls. Then I decided to drink coffee out of bowls. But my sister made fun of me and was like, “why are you trying to be all French and s&*t?” Come to think of it, it may not have been my sister. I don’t remember who it was. You know what I learned today? That when symbols are used for cursing in the comics, or like what I just did back there, it’s called a grawlix. Neat, right?

The Grand Budapest Hotel: A Wes Anderson Joint

Lately you may have noticed billboards springing up around your town which advise you on how to spot a stroke quickly.

This is possibly useful information. It may save lives.

Also potentially useful information…that will most likely not save a life, would advise you on how to spot a Wes Anderson movie quickly.

We here at Fondue Movie Reviews have designed a guide (available in wallet-size for quick reference) to determine if you have just entered a movie theatre that is about to screen an Anderson film.

But you can’t read it. It’s a wallet-sized record that you have to play.

…on a wallet-sized record player.

Because everything in a Wes Anderson movie is small.

…and obscure.

…and vintage.

…and both annoying and awesome.

I’ll be honest, I sort of want to beat myself up for liking Wes Anderson movies.