The Uncritical Critic

Several years ago, back when people used to look at the newspaper for movie times and listings, I came to notice a trend in the movie advertisements. Most well-reviewed movies would feature favorable quotes in their ads from legitimate sources such as the New York Times, Rolling Stone, etc. However, even the movies that critics nearly unanimously panned would generally have one glowing quote from a critic. I began to notice that the vast majority of these were coming from one obscure source: Ron Brewington, American Urban Radio Networks. Brewington appeared to be be more of a cheerleader than a critic. Rex Reed with a short skirt and pom-pom's.

These are real:

"A most extraordinary film! An unforgettable adventure!"- Brewington on The Postman

"WOW! An amazing achievement!"- Brewington on Armageddon

"Battlefield Earth will rock America"- Okay, he had one right anyway.

Now I'm not here to say whether something sinister or underhanded was involved. It's quite possible that Brewington just really enjoyed literally every movie he saw, and was more than happy to tell the world about it. That being said, I would like to extend the olive branch to movie studios out there who are seeking somebody similar, somebody to provide positive feedback for their films. "Fondue Movie Reviews" sounds like a pretty legitimate source doesn't it?

I'll be honest. We need money, and lots of it. Pay us handsomely and we'll say wonderful things about your films. Just looking at the current slate of films out in theaters right now, here's what Fondue can do for you:

"An astonishing thriller of epic proportions! Stallone delivers a knockout blow that you'll never want to wake up from!"- Bullet to the Head

"I was so f'ing scared that I couldn't keep food down for a week. I lost 25 pounds, and now I look and feel great!"- Mama

"This would be the movie of the decade in 1D. But in 3D? An unthinkably enjoyable ride that you'll never forget, and won't want to, ever."- Hansel & Gretel Witch Hunters 3D

"An incredible journey back in time, and an ending with a mind-bending twist that you'll never see coming! Lincoln sure didn't! (I've probably said too much)- Lincoln

"An uproarious laugh-fest that will haunt your funny bone for decades. If you watch this staggeringly hilarious film and don't laugh until you've run out of tears and can't move from your seat due to extreme stomach pain, you simply aren't human."- Haunted House

Movie studios: We can do this and more for you. We have the writers. We have the clout. We have the reputation. We have the website. We have the moxie. We have the hyperbole.

You know where to reach us.  We accept Diners Club or cash.

Thanks,

FMR