Turtle: The Incredible Journey: Paige's Memorial for Lonesome George

This movie is rated G.

I was traumatized within the first 30 seconds.

Here's why:

This situation does not end well.
For the turtle.
Hatchling.
Who is only 5 minutes old.
And about 500 of his brethren.

I know; everyone knows this about turtles. I guess I just didn't need to see the massacre, nay, the feeding frenzy, in action. Did I mention this movie is rated G?

Okay, let's get down to it. My sister made me watch this movie because she says I'm a movie snob. I take umbrage with this label. I am not a snob, except when it comes to white wine, hotels, and limousine services.

And turtle fondue. One of the rarest delicacies on Earth.

But I don't eat turtle fondue.

Because I am not a snob.

Nor am I a crab.

I am a card-carrying member of the Save the Manatee Foundation.

...which has nothing to do with anything.

...and isn't true.

The Avengers- Yes I Know You’ve Seen it

You may ask why, in late June, I chose to review a movie that had the biggest opening weekend in history well over a month ago. Roughly 99.3 % of the country has seen this film. However, I’m all about the 0.7%. So to Zigmund G. in Minot, ND, Blanche S. in Rockford IL, and Ned A. in Casper WY...this is for you guys.

When I saw the first Avengers trailer, I was sure it would be a huge hit and an awful film. It seemed forced and gluttonous. I was pleasantly surprised to see a 90% + Rotten Tomatoes rating after opening weekend and was confident it would be well worth seeing.

My pre-release worries returned soon after the opening sequence when Thor’s brother, (who looked enough like the weird little brother from Wedding Crashers that I expected him to threaten Earth with tummy sticks) came from outer space via some strange kryptonite knock-off. Apparently there was a back story here, unbeknownst to me since Iron Man was the only Marvel movie I’d seen. Luckily things only got better from here, as the Hulk beat people up, Robert Downey Jr spouted smart-ass quips, and Scarlett Johansson looked ravishing in her black suit.

There is nothing wrong with occasionally seeing a movie just because it’s fun. While some directors misconstrue fun for mindless, stale action, it wasn’t the case here. If My Dinner With Andre and Con Air had a love child, it would look something like The Avengers. Just enough good dialogue to justify simply kicking back and enjoying a good summer blockbuster.


As a footnote, I am well aware My Dinner With Andre would never sleep with Con Air unless the former was drunk as a skunk.

We Need to Talk About Kevin

No.

We don't.

Limitless: Alleged and Disputable

Is this the movie in which Robert de Niro passes the proverbial torch to Bradley Cooper by being outsmarted by him?

Bradley.
Cooper.

Outsmarting...

Robert.
DeNiro.

Come ON!

The only qualities resembling limitlessness in this movie are the good looks of Bradley Cooper and Abbie Cornish.

Other than that:

Plot: Limited
Character Development: Limited
Script Originality: Limited (okay, arguably)
Reliance on voice-over: Evidence of creative limitations and laziness

In short: Why did this movie happen? The possibilities are limited.

This is me watching that movie. I am on the right. The movie blue itself.

Young Adult: Take That, Liver!

None of this happened, more or less.

I love Charlize Theron. She's beautiful, funny, smart, talented, political in an admirable (read: not over-bearing) way....

...wait, maybe I hate Charlize Theron.

In any case, I had high hopes for Young Adult.

Hopes that were dashed.

When I dip my strawberry into warm melted white chocolate, I'm not expecting to pull out a pickled egg that tastes as if it's been brining in lye for two years. So I took action. Charlize would take action. I know she would.

I phoned up the studio and asked to speak with the designer of the DVD jacket. The operator patched me right through (after 12 call-backs, 4 mis-transfers, and 2 hours of holding).

Ludwig: Hello.
Paige: Hi, is this Ludwig?
Ludwig: Yes, this is Herr Frostenfacen
Paige: Great! I hear you're the guy who designed the DVD cover for Young Adult. Is that right?
Ludwig: Jah. That was me.
Paige: Ok. Well, I just wanted to let you know that there's a typo. The jacket says that one reviewer called the movie, "Ferociously Refreshing." I'm pretty sure that's supposed to say, "Ferociously Depressing."

"Shut up!" Ludwig explained. And then he hung up.

I need a drink.

I ordered a comedy straight. This is on the rocks.
via Dina Goldstein.

Moonrise Kingdom: Too Twee or Not Too Twee

kirsch, n.  1 An alcoholic spirit distilled in Germany and Switzerland from a fermented liquor obtained by crushing wild cherries. 2 "The most disgusting thing sold at the liquor store" as quoted by my brother-in-law 

A friend and I were hanging out on Saturday afternoon and I invited her to see Moonrise Kingdom with me later. Without skipping a beat, she replied, “I refuse to go to another Wes Anderson movie until he actually makes another movie. All of his films are the same: carefully composed scenes with expressionless actors in stories of family dysfunction and ennui…with a quirky 70s soundtrack.” She has a point. It would seem that there is too much kirsch in Mr. Anderson’s fondue for Michelle’s tastes.

Not so for the following three women:

1. The woman of a certain age who looked like a schoolteacher and who yelled from the passenger seat of a minivan as it drove by the ticket line in which I was standing: “Awwwwwesome movieeeeeeeeeeeee!”…her cries receding into the twilight distance. 
2. The woman seated in the row behind me and to my left who, upon viewing the first frame of the movie, exclaimed, “He’s using a different font! I don’t believe it! Look! He always uses the same font. But this! This is different! This is a different font!” 
3. The woman who tried to make conversation with me in the toilette after the movie had concluded...[backstory: I drank too much water(!?!) at dinner and had raced to the movie with no time to spare for a visit to the facilities.] As soon as the end credits began to roll, I sprang from my seat and raced up the stairs to the ladies’ room. Alas, I found myself first in line. Behind me came a very nice, elegant, poised woman. She turned to me and said, in a very nice, elegant, very poised manner, “Well, that was a really sweet movie, wasn’t it?” As I was concentrating all of my attention on staring pointedly, fixedly, and crazy-eyed at the two stall doors and willing one of the two stall occupants to finish up her business already, I had little mental energy to reroute to this attempt at conversation. “Yes,” I mumbled, “it was. Really. Very sweet.” Then we stood there. In silence. Both of us, presumably, musing on the saccharinity of the movie. One of us doing so nicely, elegantly, and with poise. One of us doing so while simultaneously wondering how long she had until renal failure set in. 

 For these women, Wes Anderson has just the right amount of kirsch in his recipe. What other prurient or unmentionable designs they have on Anderson’s fondue is not any of this reviewer’s business.

Some other things I noticed:

• Bob Balaban (the guy in the red jacket) steals the show again 
• Bob Balaban’s pants and those of Bruce Willis’ character also steal the show – both test the upper limits of high water trouser length. In a movie about a coastal storm, is this a coincidence? I think not.
• Present as always are the requisite trampolines and heavy eye makeup on the female love interest, among other Andersonian standards that fans have come to know and love (or merely accept).
• Suzy reads stories to the Khaki Scouts in a most [Wendy] Darling manner, which brings to mind another story that comments on the wistfulness of growing up. Is Wes Anderson Peter Pan? Probably. Is there more to say on this topic? Yes, there is.
• Lastly, I'm pretty sure Bruce Willis' character has a Die Hard flashback.

And me? How did I find the flavor of the movie? I can taste the kirsch, sure. Is it making me feel kind of sick? Uh huh. So yes, there could be less. But I’m going to keep eating the fondue, dammit. Because it’s cheese! Sweet sweet melted cheese!