Black Friday Awards

I don’t know if it’s still called Black Friday, or Black Thursday Early Evening these days, but for the second time ever, I ventured out with my brother to the chaotic shopping scene on Thanksgiving night.

Here are my 2013 Black Friday awards:

Best opening scene: To the ambulance with flashing lights and sirens in the parking lot. This was the first thing I saw when we pulled in. I was hoping it was a precursor to a brawl over the last pair of $2 socks in the store. I really want to see one of these shopping fights that I’m always hearing about.

Best shirt: To the guy in Toys R’ Us wearing a T-shirt that read, “You look like you could use a high-five….in the FACE!!” I should have followed this guy around, I’ll bet there was brawl potential there. That shirt just screamed “I might be aggressive if provoked.”

Most painful moment: Having my Achilles rammed by an overenthusiastic shopper at Target. Avoiding major injury after countless hours of playing basketball, only to be put in crutches by a rabid bargain hunter would have been embarrassing to say the least. Luckily the pain was only momentary.

Best “I’m out of my league here” moment: When the Target doors opened, and everyone took off sprinting to get the item they came for, I made a beeline for the advertisement on the wall to see exactly what the great deals were.

Worst deal: There was a giant box of towels in an aisle at Target. Only $2.99 each!! I didn’t really need any towels, but how could I pass that up? Well, because in reading the fine print, they were only $4.50 each regularly. I returned home sans towels.

Best deal that wasn't a deal: An LED headlamp, for only $5! I’d been wanting one of these, and what a price! However, they were not on sale, $5 was the regular price. Not a good enough deal, I passed. Had they been regularly $10, I would have made the purchase.  

Best actress: To the woman who stepped in front of me in the checkout line. I was 20 feet from finally having an opportunity to pay and get the hell out of Target with my $30 of merchandise after waiting in line for well over an hour, and this nice woman just steps right in front of me.  She was immediately redirected by an employee. Cutting Woman may have been being truthful when she apologized by saying she didn’t notice the giant line zig-zagging through every aisle of the store, but I doubt it. I’m guessing this is where some of the best fights happen!  

Best business idea while waiting outside in the cold waiting for Target to open their doors: My idea of setting up a coffee stand outside these enormous, tedious lines. Or even just walking down the line with a thermos and some cups and charging a buck per cup. After a half hour wait in the bitter cold, I would’ve paid $10 for a Dixie cup of Folgers.

Best pretense of angst over the moral dilemma facing us liberal, socially-conscious shoppers: To the woman behind us in line, who asked a young employee if she was okay with working on Thanksgiving. The employee’s tepid-at-best response of “yes,” gave us the strength to push on.

Until next year….