Observations From Watching the Academy Awards

In order to protect the guilty, these comments will remain anonymous.

Saige: The ceremony hasn't even begun yet and I'm already outraged on behalf of Peter O'Toole.

Saige: The ceremony hasn't even begun yet and I'm already embarrassed for Bjork.

Saige: The ceremony hasn't even begun yet and I already hate whomever Sandra Bullock is dating.

Nike: When you said "Let's watch the Oscars!" I thought you said, "Let's watch the National Naked Curling Championships." I didn't agree to this.

Nike: Joseph Gordon- Levitt is the most popular person in Hollywood who's name nobody can ever remember.

Nike: Whoa! Can't they start with best supporting sound editing or something? I'm just settling in and we are already doing Best Supporting Actor?

Nike: Yes, Christoph Waltz!

Nike: Jack Nicholson looks like a parody of himself at this point. Shades? C'mon now...

Nike: Any movie clip looks great if you set it to the right music.

Nike: The bottom of Amy Adams' dress looks like a pack of wolves was killed to construct it. Is this a Sarah Palin special?

Nike: This is fun, literally every category has the same five movies nominated. I've seen enough still shots from Lincoln tonight that I no longer feel the need to see the movie.

Saige: Zzzzzzzzzz.

Nike: The Handsome Actors Guild has issued an edict: Beards are to be worn at this year's Oscars.

Nike: The Sound Editors & Mixers Guild has issued an edict: Hair is to be worn below the shoulder blade.

Nike: Judging from the clips, all of the Les Miserables actors really left everything on the table. I'll bet they all thought they were going to win Oscars.

Nike: Included in the list of things I'd rather do than see Les Miserables: sit in a dark, locked closet with a rabid dog for three hours.

Saige: Zzzzzzzzz.

Nike: I can see Seth Macfarlane doing this regularly, he's great. EDIT: He says he will never do it again.

Nike: Thinking to self, "I wonder if anyone has ever fallen down walking up to accept an Oscar?"

Nike: Wow! Jennifer Lawrence just fell! She seems like the type of person who could shake it off pretty easily though. Wait a second, she's 22, a multi-millionaire, the sexiest woman in Hollywood, and just won Best Actress, I'm not going to feel too sorry for her.

Nike: Wait, what? Michelle Obama is announcing the Best Picture winner? Who are all these strangely dressed guards surrounding her? Why wasn't Laura Bush asked when she was in office? This is an outrage. Sean Hannity better be all over this in the morning.

Nike: Argo wins Best Picture, as I expected. It's really good, and as an added bonus, Saige and I have both seen it. Sadly, neither of us reviewed it.

Nike: Well, that was fun. Goodnight, I'm out.

Saige: Oh, are you "out??" Zzzzzzzz.

It's the Fon-due Review, Coming Right at You! Oh, and Now Hiring!

We've been toying with the idea of making some aesthetic changes to the glob. While poring over architectural drawings in my den and mulling over some design ideas, I drifted into a dream-like state, and recalled one of my favorite shows as a child, The New Zoo Revue. (A quick aside, I was really young when this was on TV, lest you think I'm older than I really am.)

As I came out of my dream-like state, I now had two simultaneous thoughts: Fondue and New Zoo Revue, and a light came on in my head. I raced out of my den, with a look of sheer madness about me, much like Doc Brown in Back to the Future, realizing I could marry a fond childhood memory with the disastrous brilliant decision to write this glob.

Yes, what this site needs is an opening theme song! The template is right here for us. In fact, it's been here the whole time, just waiting for me to remember it.




I know, it's a brilliant idea, but we can't do this alone. The two-strong Fondue staff can handle the white-hot dance moves and peppy dialogue of the humans, but we are going to have to outsource some other positions. We will be accepting resumes for the following positions:

Open Position: Composer

• Ability to re-create the aforementioned song, only with "Fondue" in the chorus, as opposed to "New Zoo."
• Must be well-schooled in modern technology. (computers, apps, the information superhighway, etc)
• 10 years or more of documented experience in composing songs for movie review blogs.
• Must work for free. 

Open Position: Freddie the Frog

• Must have minimum five years experience in choreographed dancing with a major dance troupe.
• Must have ability to dance like nobody is watching (nobody will be).
• Demonstrated proficiency in 10-key
• Must have signed letter of recomendation from The Kite Man
• Experience in frog costumes preferred, but will accept experience in other animal costumes for the right person.
• Must work for free

Open Position: Charlie The Owl

• PhD in science required (no exceptions)
• Must have minimum 5 years experience in choreographed dancing with a major dance troupe.
• Demonstrated proficiency in Microsoft Word.
• Must have ability to dance like nobody is watching (nobody will be).
• Experience in owl costumes preferred, but will accept experience in other animal costumes for the right person.
• Ability to display the ability to pun on command. ("Owl be sure to pun on command," "hoot let the dogs out," etc)
• Must work for free

Open Position: Henrietta the Hippo (we may rename her Edna, the Even-Toed Ungulate)

• Demonstrated ability to sing in soprano.
• Must own your own tutu. 
• Demonstrated proficiency in Quickbooks
• Must have minimum 5 years experience in choreographed dancing with a major dance troupe.
• Must have ability to dance like nobody is watching (nobody will be).
• Experience in hippo costumes preferred, but will accept experience in other animal costumes for the right person.
• Must work for free.

We insist that you act now!! These positions will be closed after Fondue's upcoming celebratory 101st post.

Overheard Compartment: Question of the Week

My nephew, H., asked his father:

"How long do we have to play before we can play Xbox?"

Answer: 24 minutes.

Essentially, H. was inquiring on behalf of his friend and himself, "How long must we play before we can play?"

I don't even know if I, as an adult, have the assiduousness to play for 24 whole minutes before I can play.

I really think this is an unreasonable expectation.

Via

Croque Monsieur!

Awwww! Woodgie whoozhie cootchie coo! Whosa cutey patootey zhandwich? Yesh, you are! You are zha cutiest patootiest zhandwich ever! Awwww!

Platypus!

Via

Narwhal!

Poor Bradford's Almanac

Civil Service

I begin my day at work each morning by listening to my voice mail whilst warming my hands on a steaming mug of vodka. It warms the soul, these precious moments listening to the questions and concerns from friendly community members.

Yesterday, amidst the pleasant, droning banality of the typical messages awaiting me, I came across this gem from a kindly, dare I say even avuncular, fellow who wanted to give me some cheerful advice. In his message, he said with elegant simplicity:

"It helps a lot to be transferred to someone who isn't there."

The good Samaritan then politely hung up without leaving his name or contact information. My mug and I concluded that it must have been his modesty that prevented him from doing so and a desire not to waste my time. He could only know that despite my busy shed-yool, I would hope to thank him for his selfless dispensation of  such sagacious wisdom.

I'm so glad we have a telecommunications system that is just modern enough to record callers' phone numbers. Won't he be surprised and delighted to hear from me and my mug tomorrow morning? I'm not quite sure what I will say exactly. Maybe when he answers the phone, I will say only:

"I'm here."

And then hang up.

Brilliant Idea: #4

Cheeseburger: Good.
Bath: Good.
Cheeseburger in the bath: Paradise.

Peer Pressure (Part 3): The Pitfalls and Pratfalls

...when it works a little too well:

Blogged too much. Am now globbing. Not looking forward to tomorrow morning.

Peer Pressure (Part 2): It's Still Working!! I Can't Believe It!!!

Look at me! Whee!! I'm blogging!!!!

It's just a bagel!! A bagel!!

Peer Pressure: It Works, Try It!

Somebody keeps pestering me to blog on this godforsaken glob. Which makes me want to glob all over the blog.