As I came out of my dream-like state, I now had two simultaneous thoughts: Fondue and New Zoo Revue, and a light came on in my head. I raced out of my den, with a look of sheer madness about me, much like Doc Brown in Back to the Future, realizing I could marry a fond childhood memory with the
Yes, what this site needs is an opening theme song! The template is right here for us. In fact, it's been here the whole time, just waiting for me to remember it.
I know, it's a brilliant idea, but we can't do this alone. The two-strong Fondue staff can handle the white-hot dance moves and peppy dialogue of the humans, but we are going to have to outsource some other positions. We will be accepting resumes for the following positions:
Open Position: Composer
- Ability to re-create the aforementioned song, only with "Fondue" in the chorus, as opposed to "New Zoo."
- Must be well-schooled in modern technology. (computers, apps, the information superhighway, etc)
- 10 years or more of documented experience in composing songs for movie review blogs.
- Must work for free.
Open Position: Freddie the Frog
- Must have minimum five years experience in choreographed dancing with a major dance troupe.
- Must have ability to dance like nobody is watching (nobody will be).
- Demonstrated proficiency in 10-key
- Must have signed letter of recomendation from The Kite Man
- Experience in frog costumes preferred, but will accept experience in other animal costumes for the right person.
- Must work for free
Open Position: Charlie The Owl
- PhD in science required (no exceptions)
- Must have minimum 5 years experience in choreographed dancing with a major dance troupe.
- Demonstrated proficiency in Microsoft Word.
- Must have ability to dance like nobody is watching (nobody will be).
- Experience in owl costumes preferred, but will accept experience in other animal costumes for the right person.
- Ability to display the ability to pun on command. ("Owl be sure to pun on command," "hoot let the dogs out," etc)
- Must work for free
Open Position: Henrietta the Hippo (we may rename her Edna, the Even-Toed Ungulate)
- Demonstrated ability to sing in soprano.
- Must own your own tutu.
- Demonstrated proficiency in Quickbooks
- Must have minimum 5 years experience in choreographed dancing with a major dance troupe.
- Must have ability to dance like nobody is watching (nobody will be).
- Experience in hippo costumes preferred, but will accept experience in other animal costumes for the right person.
- Must work for free.
We insist that you act now!! These positions will be closed after Fondue's upcoming celebratory 101st post.
We're also looking for an intern to manage the mailbag. This is a pay-to-work position and requires a law degree and HazMat certification.
ReplyDeleteWe're also looking for an Ombudsman, who might suggest we would better serve our (massive) audience by writing more about movies and less about the glob itself. Of course, that person would be fired within minutes of that suggestion.
ReplyDeleteNotice to Applicants: The position of Ombudsman has been filled. We are no longer accepting applications or conducting interviews.
ReplyDeleteNotice to Applicants: Please stop sending us applications for the office of the Ombudsman. In our recent reorganization, the position was eliminated.
ReplyDeleteNotice to Applicants: We are currently seeking applications for the position of Whipping Boy.
ReplyDeleteWill the position of Whipping Boy have benefits? Other than the joy derived from being whipped?
ReplyDeleteAny joy derived from a position at FMR is purely coincidental. As are any benefits.
ReplyDeleteWe all have fond memories of the globbing jobs of yore. The gold retirement watch, the cushy pension, a paycheck. The sad reality in today's economy is that none of those things are possible anymore.
ReplyDeleteI have a question...did Paige's mother REALLY allow her to watch a show like this? I can't say anything about Mike's mother, but Paige's should go back to remedial mommy-school! Tell me, please, she didn't...please?
ReplyDeleteI may have misheard, but I thought I heard Paige say, "everything I know about dancing, I learned from the New Zoo Revue." So it did have some benefit.
ReplyDeleteWell, my cover is blown. No, for the record, my mother would never have knowingly allowed me to watch such a provocative and racy show. Instead, in the 3rd grade, I would leave the house wearing a giant hippopotamus costume under my jumper. Then, when I got to my friend Brie's house, I would rip off my jumper, paint my face with sinful makeup, and turn on the television. We would watch the Zoo Review and drink tequila and dance! dance!! dance!!! And nobody ever suspected a thing...until Mike here did his canary impersonation.
ReplyDelete