Preview of a Review

In a world....that has become a desolate wasteland, one man and one woman take the journey of a lifetime through space and time. Danger and magic lurk at every turn, in an epic coming-of-age tale with a twist that you'll be talking about for weeks.

Critics are already talking:

"Uninspiring" 

"Marginally adequate"

"Dull and mindless"

"Quixotic, but ultimately off the mark"

"A funny and exciting romp that will force the Academy to stand up and take notice! A veritable tour de force!!" - Ron Brewington, American Urban Radio Networks

Yes, from the glob that brought you such classic posts as the death of Mike's coffee maker , and a dreamy picture of Kenny Loggins. comes....

New movie reviews!!!! Yes, our globbers have been fervently been hitting the theaters (only those which serve alcohol) in order to bring you up to speed on what's happening in the world of cinema.

COMING NOVEMBER 2014*

*or later

This is it.

The best album cover of all time.

Hear the magic.

Her- A Heartwarming Tale of Love, Desperation, and High-Rising Pants

In the 80's and 90's, falling for your blow-up doll was all the rage. Okay, maybe that was just in my house, but let's just say there was a sort of running gag about lovelorn losers falling for an air-filled, inhuman, yet strikingly attractive doll.

In Her, operating systems are the new blow-up dolls, only for the completely opposite reasons. While blow-up dolls were objects of pure physical pleasure (I'm told), the operating system fling simply satisfies the human desire for companionship and someone to talk to. In the not-completely-unrealistic future in Her, contact with fellow humans is generally eschewed, as people can't be bothered to look up from their phones long enough to acknowledge the homo-sapiens right in front of them. To be honest, given the frumpy style of dress and general disheveled look the people in the film have, I'm not sure I'd want to look up either.

The movie raised a few far-reaching questions for me: What exactly do we desire from a relationship? Will technology really advance to the point where human contact is no longer a necessity? Would the story have been as believable if the voice of the operating system were say, Anne Ramsey instead of Scarlett Johansson? Is the torrid affair I had with Windows '95 suddenly a little more legitimate?

The preceding paragraphs may not have hinted at whether or not I enjoyed the movie, which I absolutely did. Watch it on your computer, you just might fall in love with it. The computer that is.


Mix in a belt!!!

Blue is the Warmest Color: A Stream of Consciousness Movie Review

There are two dollars on my desk. What am I going to do with two dollars? That won’t actually buy a cup of coffee in a lot of places. Wait, it might buy a cup of regular drip at Starbucks. Maybe inflation isn’t as bad as I think it is. What does this have to do with Blue is the Warmest Color? Well, I guess my coffee isn’t as warm as it could be. If it were, it would be blue coffee. That sounds disgusting. I would never drink blue coffee. Except if it had always been blue, in which case I wouldn’t care and would think that brown coffee was gross. What if poo were blue? That would be interesting. Then the toilet cleaner liquid wouldn’t be blue because if it were, it would chromatically signify that you were cleaning your toilet with poo-colored liquid. And nobody would want that. So maybe toilet boil cleaner would be orange or something. Why isn’t it orange now? Oh, right, because blue for some reason equates with clean. Some might say that Blue is the Warmest Color isn’t exactly clean in places. I am so sick of hearing about those scenes whenever anyone mentions that movie. Not that there are a lot of people in my life talking about it. Or anyone for that matter. I don’t think I know anyone else who has seen the movie. But there was a lot more to the movie than those scenes. Sex! Sex!! Sex!!! That’s all anyone ever wants to talk about. What about plot? What about love? What about toilet boil cleaner for God's sake. Okay, I don’t remember any toilet bowl cleaner in the movie, but I do think I saw someone drinking coffee out of a bowl. I saw that in that movie Swimming Pool, also a French movie. So I came to the understanding that French people drink coffee out of bowls. Then I decided to drink coffee out of bowls. But my sister made fun of me and was like, “why are you trying to be all French and s&*t?” Come to think of it, it may not have been my sister. I don’t remember who it was. You know what I learned today? That when symbols are used for cursing in the comics, or like what I just did back there, it’s called a grawlix. Neat, right?

The Grand Budapest Hotel: A Wes Anderson Joint

Lately you may have noticed billboards springing up around your town which advise you on how to spot a stroke quickly.

This is possibly useful information. It may save lives.

Also potentially useful information…that will most likely not save a life, would advise you on how to spot a Wes Anderson movie quickly.

We here at Fondue Movie Reviews have designed a guide (available in wallet-size for quick reference) to determine if you have just entered a movie theatre that is about to screen an Anderson film.

But you can’t read it. It’s a wallet-sized record that you have to play.

…on a wallet-sized record player.

Because everything in a Wes Anderson movie is small.

…and obscure.

…and vintage.

…and both annoying and awesome.

I’ll be honest, I sort of want to beat myself up for liking Wes Anderson movies.

A Note From the Glob

Dear Authors,

Your recent inattentiveness is both frustrating and disturbing. I used to mean something to you. Now? I sit here and wait. Wait! Wait!! Wait!!

Your last post was "Oscar Predictions." When someone clicks on me, they see a bunch of wildly incorrect Oscar picks. No apologies, mea culpas, or follow-ups of any sort. Frankly, it's hurtful and embarrassing. The other blogs will no longer speak with me, except to crack jokes about Kramer vs. Kramer and Star Wars being our newest reviews.

The time we used to spend together was the time of my life. Your daily posting of witty movie reviews on me, and leaving playful puns in my comment area was truly a whirlwind of joy for me. When you started calling me a glob instead of a blog, I wore the moniker as badge of honor. We were a team.



You started this glob to review movies. Am I to believe neither of you have seen a movie since February? Let me guess, you're just far too busy to possibly have time for one of your hard-hitting, in-depth reviews. I remember the good ol' days when after viewing a film, or thinking of a funny idea, I was the first place you'd turn. Now I'm left to wonder if there is another glob you're secretly posting on. Or perhaps you simply keep these thoughts to yourself, or write them in some ratty old spiral notebook.

Let me put aside my rancor for a moment. I should probably provide some background as to my reasons for my frustration, and my fear of abandonment. I was deserted at a young age by my father, Fondue Movie Reviews Senior, Esq. He ran off without a trace with a shiny AOL startup disc that arrived in the mail one day. You won't be surprised to hear that the relationship was short-lived, but he never returned home. Last I heard, he was living in a run-down sailboat off the coast of the Caspian Sea, and hitting the bottle pretty hard.

Later in life, I truly thought I'd met the love of my life. She was a Hotmail e-mail address with a rapier wit and movie-star good looks. Just when things started to get serious, her whorish tendencies came to the forefront. She decided blogs were "a bit too futuristic," and she promptly dumped me for Angie's List.



I realize this is the first you've heard of my past troubles, and sure, I probably should have brought them up earlier, but I was so high on the never-ending party that was Fondue Movie Reviews that I thought the party would never end. Hell, thanks to Mike I was coked out of my gourd so often I couldn't possibly have gotten a firm grip on reality.

As you can tell from my ramblings, the fall has been hard. It is my hope that we can reconcile before things are too far gone. The solution is simple, go and enjoy a movie, and afterward put your thoughts on me. This I beg of you.

I love you both.

Sincerely,

Fondue Movie Reviews Jr. (AKA The Glob)

The Oscar Post: Picks and Predictions

Due to an egregious oversight by the Academy, FMR was not given a vote in this year's Oscars. While we contemplated boycotting everything Oscar this year, we felt we deserved a voice in this process, albeit unofficially.

So with some hesitation, we present to you' our Oscar predictions.....

<Applause>

Best Supporting Actress

Mike: Will win: Jennifer Lawrence. Should win: June Squibb
Comments: Jennifer Lawrence is gold right now, I feel like she'll win an Oscar every year for the next three or four years. I haven't actually seen Nebraska, but I really like the name June Squibb. It may be one of my favorite names of all time. She looks like a very pleasant person who would make a delicious batch of cookies and other baked goods.

Paige: Will win: Sally Hawkins. Should win: Paige
Comments: I love Sally Hawkins. You don't know who Sally Hawkins is? She's frickin' amazing. They named a high-school dance after her.

Best Supporting Actor

Mike: Will win: Jonah Hill. Should win: Jonah Hill
Comments: Jonah Hill was also nominated last year for Moneyball, but lost. Last year, the thought was, "Wow, Jonah Hill and Oscar nomination in the same sentence, my head is exploding!". Now it feels like, "Ok, he's officially a real actor, almost A-list in fact. Superbad is in the rear view mirror He's ready to win an Oscar."

Paige: Will win: Jared Leto. Should win: Paige
Comments: Someone is going to win something for Dallas Buyer's Club. I feel like this is an upset year. I'll be upset when I don't win.

Best Actress

Mike: Will win: Amy Adams. Should win: Judi Dench
Comments: A veritable smorgasbord of beloved actresses in this field! Has a negative word been spoken about any of these actresses? Judi Dench, Cate Blanchett, and Meryl Streep are nominated every time they set foot on a film set. People are just starting to recognize how great Amy Adams is. Sandra Bullock is Sandra Bullock. Tough call here. Adams was very strong in American Hustle, and I think she takes it. Streep was good enough to garner a nomination as usual, but considering the film didn't receive much attention from the Academy, I can't imagine she'll win. I'm going with Dench as my choice, because this is the year of the elderly.

Paige: Will win: Judi Dench. Should win: Paige

Comments: It will be no surprise to anyone with one whit of sense that Judi Dench has a Wikipedia page. But did you know that her awards and nominations have a Wikipedia page of their own? The Academy has nominated her quarce for a Best Actress award and she has not once won. (Although, she does have a win for Supporting Actress.) I amend my earlier comment. Not only will this be a night of Oscar upsets, it will be a British invasion of immeasurable proportions.

Actually...hmm...on second thought, it will in fact be measurable. There's only a finite number of awards.

Best Actor

Mike:  Will win: Christian Bale. Should win: Leonardo Dicaprio
Comments: I don't see how you can't give it to Leo. He was in nearly every shot of a 3-hour movie and was great in all of it. The Academy will select Christian Bale though, because they love actors and actresses who transform themselves physically for a role. While Bale's performance was very good, the transformation from
fit as a fiddle to becoming slightly overweight doesn't sound all that rigorous. "I hope you're ready for this role Christian, you'll need to eat nothing but donuts and pizza for two months. We all admire your tireless dedication to your craft."

Paige: Will win: Chiwetel Ejiofor. Should win: Matthew McConaughey
Comments: What did I say earlier about the British invasion?? Astonishingly, I do not think I should win this award. My performance lacked depth and I didn't resonate emotionally with myself. On the other hand, I used to hate Matthew McConaughey. I don't anymore.

Best Picture

Mike:  Will win: 12 Years a Slave. Should win: Wolf of Wall Street
Comments: Wolf of Wall Street begins with a character snorting cocaine from a hooker's caboose. I haven't seen 12 Years A Slave,and I don't doubt that it's a fine film, but I am going to assume it starts with something else. Something much more serious and important. In fact, I am also guessing the movie itself is much more serious and important, hence my prediction. The Academy is a very serious organization. They can't tolerate anyone more controversial than Billy Crystal as a host for crying out loud.

Paige: Will win: 12 Years a Slave. Should win: Her
Comments: I haven't seen 12 Years a Slave, but I know the Academy won't ignore a movie with a social message. It's possible they'll go for Captain Phillips or Dallas Buyers Club. However, I've also detected favoritism with respect to setting, namely that preference is given to those films set in the U.S. of A. Captain Phillips takes place in a foreign country. So does Dallas Buyers Club.