Mud: McConaughey plays southern hick, impresses critics with acting range

I kid, I kid. But c'mon. Nobody seems to be mentioning this. The Dazed and Confused One's performance is described as "authentic" and riveting, adjectives which I think deserve further examination...

Authentic
My performance would also be authentic if I tossed some prosthetic teeth into my mouth and continued with my standard daily operating procedure. Speaking of which, if we have learned anything from Nicole Kidman (and we have learned so much!!*) it is that there exists a direct link between facial prostheses and surefire Oscar wins. I predict now that M.M. takes home an Academy Award come next year.

Riveting
The character of Mud has not taken a bath in a very very very very very long time. Was it difficult for me to imagine Matthew McConaughey not washing for days, possibly weeks, on end?

The answer is "No." No. That is not difficult for me to imagine.

Often, I couldn't tell if what I was observing on McConaughey's skin was an extremely advanced tan or the dawning of a new bacterial civilization. And, frankly, this confusion was...riveting.

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Other critics have compared "Mud" to "Huckleberry Finn" and "Stand By Me." Undoubtedly, the former is more analogous thematically, but I'm simply not literate enough to make that kind of connection on my own. So let's just ignore that because it's hurting my self esteem.

Instead, let us focus on the second movie association, which offered me a more satisfying feeling of validation because THIS ACTUALLY OCCURRED to me while I was in the theater. Mostly because Jacob Lofland bears an uncanny resemblance to a young River Phoenix. Do the movies describe similar motifs? Contain parallel plot elements? Bear cinematographic resemblances? No no no. I don't truck in that. Ladies and gentleman, I am shallow! Shallow!! Shallow!!! Shallow as the day is long. I am not interested in any delicate undertones of loyalty, chivalry, and camaraderie that may be elegantly and unobtrusively expressed in this story. I want to know why that kid's name is Neckbone!!

Neckbone, Mud, Juniper, Senior...I did some investigating and the current leading baby names in the state of Arkansas are: Catfish (boys) and Used-Tire (girls). Do with that what you will.

"Listen, it's important. I need you to bring me back some lye and a flamethrower."

Postscript
For the sake of authenticity, I feel it's my duty to inform our dear reader that I did actually enjoy this movie. Tye Sheridan steals the whole show with his sensitive and highly credible performance. But in one particularly emotional scene near the end, he delivers the raw frustration and heartbreak that occurs when childlike idolization discovers the fragility and fallibility of love. I was honestly riveted by this moment's authenticity.

*Not sure what else we've learned from N.K. but something will come to me. Sometime.