Poem: I've never met a...

"I've never met a guy named Cody who wasn't wearing a rope necklace." - Julius Sharpe

@juliussharpe

I've never met a Julius I didn't want to buy at the mall and sip out of a straw.
I've never met a Lucy I didn't want to get tight with.
I've never met a John I didn't want to lock the door on.
I've never met a Tiffany I didn't want to get into a small argument with. (Actually, I've never met a Tiffany I didn't want to punch in the face.)
I've never met a Rita I didn't want to buy at a Mexican restaurant at the mall and sip out of a straw.

I've never met a Debbie that didn't look 10 years older than her age.
I've never met a Todd that didn't have a mullet in high school.
I've never met a Nancy who hasn't had a "playful" haircut at some point.

I've never met a Randy I didn't want to tell to "settle down!"
I've never met a Margaret I wanted to call Peggy.
I've never met a Peggy who didn't have a parrot on his shoulder.

It's been three weeks!

*gasp* After this long, the next post better be awesome.

Tip of the Day: Don't Live to Be 100,000

I once had a strong desire to live forever. After reading this , I would now like to pass away at 99,999.

When I read the headline to this story, I was excited to see what sort of well-thought out scientific and artistic work would be contained in the article. This must have taken extensive research, right? After looking at it, apparently all they could come up with is, in 100,000 years... GIANT EYES!! Giant, scary, cartoonish eyes. I was thinking maybe in 100,000 years, we'd be undergoing subtle but noticeable changes to facial structure, maybe we'd develop a new organ....nope, just GIANT EYES! I could have written and drawn this article myself. How would I do this you ask? Well, I would simply take a picture of a current human, and photoshop GIANT EYES onto it.

Speaking of Star Trek...

The Replicator, finally!

"What's it doing?"
"I don't know. I ordered a chai. But...nothing."
"Nothing?"
"No, it just kind of made a fizzing sound."
"What the hell!"
"What are we going to do? I don't know what chai is."
"I think it's liquified beef and sugar."
"No, that can't be right."
"Well, bang on it with your fist."
"Thanks. I tried that already."
"Did you try turning it off and then on again?"
"Um, yeah. I'm not an idiot."
"Well, did you wait a few seconds before you turned it back on again."
"I'm not going to answer that."
"Hmm."
"I really want some chai."

Mud: McConaughey plays southern hick, impresses critics with acting range

I kid, I kid. But c'mon. Nobody seems to be mentioning this. The Dazed and Confused One's performance is described as "authentic" and riveting, adjectives which I think deserve further examination...

Authentic
My performance would also be authentic if I tossed some prosthetic teeth into my mouth and continued with my standard daily operating procedure. Speaking of which, if we have learned anything from Nicole Kidman (and we have learned so much!!*) it is that there exists a direct link between facial prostheses and surefire Oscar wins. I predict now that M.M. takes home an Academy Award come next year.

Riveting
The character of Mud has not taken a bath in a very very very very very long time. Was it difficult for me to imagine Matthew McConaughey not washing for days, possibly weeks, on end?

The answer is "No." No. That is not difficult for me to imagine.

Often, I couldn't tell if what I was observing on McConaughey's skin was an extremely advanced tan or the dawning of a new bacterial civilization. And, frankly, this confusion was...riveting.

*     *     *

Other critics have compared "Mud" to "Huckleberry Finn" and "Stand By Me." Undoubtedly, the former is more analogous thematically, but I'm simply not literate enough to make that kind of connection on my own. So let's just ignore that because it's hurting my self esteem.

Instead, let us focus on the second movie association, which offered me a more satisfying feeling of validation because THIS ACTUALLY OCCURRED to me while I was in the theater. Mostly because Jacob Lofland bears an uncanny resemblance to a young River Phoenix. Do the movies describe similar motifs? Contain parallel plot elements? Bear cinematographic resemblances? No no no. I don't truck in that. Ladies and gentleman, I am shallow! Shallow!! Shallow!!! Shallow as the day is long. I am not interested in any delicate undertones of loyalty, chivalry, and camaraderie that may be elegantly and unobtrusively expressed in this story. I want to know why that kid's name is Neckbone!!

Neckbone, Mud, Juniper, Senior...I did some investigating and the current leading baby names in the state of Arkansas are: Catfish (boys) and Used-Tire (girls). Do with that what you will.

"Listen, it's important. I need you to bring me back some lye and a flamethrower."

Postscript
For the sake of authenticity, I feel it's my duty to inform our dear reader that I did actually enjoy this movie. Tye Sheridan steals the whole show with his sensitive and highly credible performance. But in one particularly emotional scene near the end, he delivers the raw frustration and heartbreak that occurs when childlike idolization discovers the fragility and fallibility of love. I was honestly riveted by this moment's authenticity.

*Not sure what else we've learned from N.K. but something will come to me. Sometime.

Star Trek 2- Dammit Jim, It's an Action Movie, Not A Novel!

It's blockbuster season at the movies. Bang! Boom! Kerplow! There is action at every turn to satisfy our apparent need to constantly be entertained, every...single....second. I've taken in Iron Man 3 and Star Trek 2 in the past couple of weeks. While both movies were somewhat visually stimulating, with some mildly humorous dialogue mixed in, something key is missing, and that something is a story.

While watching Star Trek 2, The Quest For Curly's Gold, I came to the realization that I only had a vague notion of what the plot was really all about. Now I realize these movies are not made, or viewed, for the storytelling. The masses want to see these movies to be entertained for a couple of hours and then go back to being over-stimulated by other forms of media. I also realize there isn't that much to "get," it's essentially good guys battle bad guys and the good guys come out victorious. However, I did want to know what the actual story was. I became a little worried during the movie, because I only had a vague notion of the intricacies of the plot. There were two possible reasons for this. The first possibility  just couldn't be true. The second possibility is more accurate I think. The plot seems to be something that is haphazardly thrown in as a way to get from one action scene to the next.

Here's how these action movies tend to go nowadays: An action scene. followed by some witty banter, followed by another action scene, followed by a two minute, rapid-fire explanation of the plot. "You see, (insert bad guy name) was brought here by an alien ship that was nearly destroyed in an alternate universe on the planet Voltar, but due to the current galactic rule 875,25, section A, (which you'd know about if you read the graphic novel) which doesn't allow him into the universe until he's had intergalactic lap-band surgery which can only be performed by Dr. Xulu (also from the graphic novel), so (bad guy) must destroy the world to avoid having intergalactic lap-band surgery!" Got all that? Okay, good. Now watch as the good guys fight the bad guys while jumping 200 feet onto a moving spaceship travelling at 300 MPH.

I'm not trying to pan Star Trek 2. It had some good moments, and it was successful as a somewhat entertaining summer blockbuster. I guess I just wish filmmakers wouldn't make the assumption that audiences have the attention span of a concussed manatee. I think technology has actually hurt the science fiction and action film genres. For instance, why was the first Star Wars prequel so awful? It was because the filmmakers fell in love with the idea of CGI and the limitless capabilities of modern special effects, and it seemed contrived and fake. What made the original Star Wars so great was at least partially the story, which, while simple, was still fleshed out throughout the movie. If someone asked you to explain the plot of Star Wars, you could do it pretty easily. With Star Trek 2 and similar films, you know just enough that you can follow along, but there certainly isn't a real story being told.

*pop*

Gluhrrhrglrurhghhg