We're Out

The rumors are true....we are leaving this godforsaken place.

We realize this is shocking news, but don't be dismayed, as we've simply moved to Wordpress! The site, along with all of its past (and if things go as planned, future) glory, can now be found here.

The Hundred-Foot Journey

I got a parking ticket for $80 as, in blissful unawareness, I watched this movie.

It was a stupid parking ticket. I won't go into details. Except to say that the Coca-Cola company can kiss my [redacted].

Was it worth it?

It cost me 80 cents a foot. I guess that's not much. Go for it.

Preview of a Review

In a world....that has become a desolate wasteland, one man and one woman take the journey of a lifetime through space and time. Danger and magic lurk at every turn, in an epic coming-of-age tale with a twist that you'll be talking about for weeks.

Critics are already talking:

"Uninspiring" 

"Marginally adequate"

"Dull and mindless"

"Quixotic, but ultimately off the mark"

"A funny and exciting romp that will force the Academy to stand up and take notice! A veritable tour de force!!" - Ron Brewington, American Urban Radio Networks

Yes, from the glob that brought you such classic posts as the death of Mike's coffee maker , and a dreamy picture of Kenny Loggins. comes....

New movie reviews!!!! Yes, our globbers have been fervently been hitting the theaters (only those which serve alcohol) in order to bring you up to speed on what's happening in the world of cinema.

COMING NOVEMBER 2014*

*or later

This is it.

The best album cover of all time.

Hear the magic.

Her- A Heartwarming Tale of Love, Desperation, and High-Rising Pants

In the 80's and 90's, falling for your blow-up doll was all the rage. Okay, maybe that was just in my house, but let's just say there was a sort of running gag about lovelorn losers falling for an air-filled, inhuman, yet strikingly attractive doll.

In Her, operating systems are the new blow-up dolls, only for the completely opposite reasons. While blow-up dolls were objects of pure physical pleasure (I'm told), the operating system fling simply satisfies the human desire for companionship and someone to talk to. In the not-completely-unrealistic future in Her, contact with fellow humans is generally eschewed, as people can't be bothered to look up from their phones long enough to acknowledge the homo-sapiens right in front of them. To be honest, given the frumpy style of dress and general disheveled look the people in the film have, I'm not sure I'd want to look up either.

The movie raised a few far-reaching questions for me: What exactly do we desire from a relationship? Will technology really advance to the point where human contact is no longer a necessity? Would the story have been as believable if the voice of the operating system were say, Anne Ramsey instead of Scarlett Johansson? Is the torrid affair I had with Windows '95 suddenly a little more legitimate?

The preceding paragraphs may not have hinted at whether or not I enjoyed the movie, which I absolutely did. Watch it on your computer, you just might fall in love with it. The computer that is.


Mix in a belt!!!

Blue is the Warmest Color: A Stream of Consciousness Movie Review

There are two dollars on my desk. What am I going to do with two dollars? That won’t actually buy a cup of coffee in a lot of places. Wait, it might buy a cup of regular drip at Starbucks. Maybe inflation isn’t as bad as I think it is. What does this have to do with Blue is the Warmest Color? Well, I guess my coffee isn’t as warm as it could be. If it were, it would be blue coffee. That sounds disgusting. I would never drink blue coffee. Except if it had always been blue, in which case I wouldn’t care and would think that brown coffee was gross. What if poo were blue? That would be interesting. Then the toilet cleaner liquid wouldn’t be blue because if it were, it would chromatically signify that you were cleaning your toilet with poo-colored liquid. And nobody would want that. So maybe toilet boil cleaner would be orange or something. Why isn’t it orange now? Oh, right, because blue for some reason equates with clean. Some might say that Blue is the Warmest Color isn’t exactly clean in places. I am so sick of hearing about those scenes whenever anyone mentions that movie. Not that there are a lot of people in my life talking about it. Or anyone for that matter. I don’t think I know anyone else who has seen the movie. But there was a lot more to the movie than those scenes. Sex! Sex!! Sex!!! That’s all anyone ever wants to talk about. What about plot? What about love? What about toilet boil cleaner for God's sake. Okay, I don’t remember any toilet bowl cleaner in the movie, but I do think I saw someone drinking coffee out of a bowl. I saw that in that movie Swimming Pool, also a French movie. So I came to the understanding that French people drink coffee out of bowls. Then I decided to drink coffee out of bowls. But my sister made fun of me and was like, “why are you trying to be all French and s&*t?” Come to think of it, it may not have been my sister. I don’t remember who it was. You know what I learned today? That when symbols are used for cursing in the comics, or like what I just did back there, it’s called a grawlix. Neat, right?

The Grand Budapest Hotel: A Wes Anderson Joint

Lately you may have noticed billboards springing up around your town which advise you on how to spot a stroke quickly.

This is possibly useful information. It may save lives.

Also potentially useful information…that will most likely not save a life, would advise you on how to spot a Wes Anderson movie quickly.

We here at Fondue Movie Reviews have designed a guide (available in wallet-size for quick reference) to determine if you have just entered a movie theatre that is about to screen an Anderson film.

But you can’t read it. It’s a wallet-sized record that you have to play.

…on a wallet-sized record player.

Because everything in a Wes Anderson movie is small.

…and obscure.

…and vintage.

…and both annoying and awesome.

I’ll be honest, I sort of want to beat myself up for liking Wes Anderson movies.

A Note From the Glob

Dear Authors,

Your recent inattentiveness is both frustrating and disturbing. I used to mean something to you. Now? I sit here and wait. Wait! Wait!! Wait!!

Your last post was "Oscar Predictions." When someone clicks on me, they see a bunch of wildly incorrect Oscar picks. No apologies, mea culpas, or follow-ups of any sort. Frankly, it's hurtful and embarrassing. The other blogs will no longer speak with me, except to crack jokes about Kramer vs. Kramer and Star Wars being our newest reviews.

The time we used to spend together was the time of my life. Your daily posting of witty movie reviews on me, and leaving playful puns in my comment area was truly a whirlwind of joy for me. When you started calling me a glob instead of a blog, I wore the moniker as badge of honor. We were a team.



You started this glob to review movies. Am I to believe neither of you have seen a movie since February? Let me guess, you're just far too busy to possibly have time for one of your hard-hitting, in-depth reviews. I remember the good ol' days when after viewing a film, or thinking of a funny idea, I was the first place you'd turn. Now I'm left to wonder if there is another glob you're secretly posting on. Or perhaps you simply keep these thoughts to yourself, or write them in some ratty old spiral notebook.

Let me put aside my rancor for a moment. I should probably provide some background as to my reasons for my frustration, and my fear of abandonment. I was deserted at a young age by my father, Fondue Movie Reviews Senior, Esq. He ran off without a trace with a shiny AOL startup disc that arrived in the mail one day. You won't be surprised to hear that the relationship was short-lived, but he never returned home. Last I heard, he was living in a run-down sailboat off the coast of the Caspian Sea, and hitting the bottle pretty hard.

Later in life, I truly thought I'd met the love of my life. She was a Hotmail e-mail address with a rapier wit and movie-star good looks. Just when things started to get serious, her whorish tendencies came to the forefront. She decided blogs were "a bit too futuristic," and she promptly dumped me for Angie's List.



I realize this is the first you've heard of my past troubles, and sure, I probably should have brought them up earlier, but I was so high on the never-ending party that was Fondue Movie Reviews that I thought the party would never end. Hell, thanks to Mike I was coked out of my gourd so often I couldn't possibly have gotten a firm grip on reality.

As you can tell from my ramblings, the fall has been hard. It is my hope that we can reconcile before things are too far gone. The solution is simple, go and enjoy a movie, and afterward put your thoughts on me. This I beg of you.

I love you both.

Sincerely,

Fondue Movie Reviews Jr. (AKA The Glob)

The Oscar Post: Picks and Predictions

Due to an egregious oversight by the Academy, FMR was not given a vote in this year's Oscars. While we contemplated boycotting everything Oscar this year, we felt we deserved a voice in this process, albeit unofficially.

So with some hesitation, we present to you' our Oscar predictions.....

<Applause>

Best Supporting Actress

Mike: Will win: Jennifer Lawrence. Should win: June Squibb
Comments: Jennifer Lawrence is gold right now, I feel like she'll win an Oscar every year for the next three or four years. I haven't actually seen Nebraska, but I really like the name June Squibb. It may be one of my favorite names of all time. She looks like a very pleasant person who would make a delicious batch of cookies and other baked goods.

Paige: Will win: Sally Hawkins. Should win: Paige
Comments: I love Sally Hawkins. You don't know who Sally Hawkins is? She's frickin' amazing. They named a high-school dance after her.

Best Supporting Actor

Mike: Will win: Jonah Hill. Should win: Jonah Hill
Comments: Jonah Hill was also nominated last year for Moneyball, but lost. Last year, the thought was, "Wow, Jonah Hill and Oscar nomination in the same sentence, my head is exploding!". Now it feels like, "Ok, he's officially a real actor, almost A-list in fact. Superbad is in the rear view mirror He's ready to win an Oscar."

Paige: Will win: Jared Leto. Should win: Paige
Comments: Someone is going to win something for Dallas Buyer's Club. I feel like this is an upset year. I'll be upset when I don't win.

Best Actress

Mike: Will win: Amy Adams. Should win: Judi Dench
Comments: A veritable smorgasbord of beloved actresses in this field! Has a negative word been spoken about any of these actresses? Judi Dench, Cate Blanchett, and Meryl Streep are nominated every time they set foot on a film set. People are just starting to recognize how great Amy Adams is. Sandra Bullock is Sandra Bullock. Tough call here. Adams was very strong in American Hustle, and I think she takes it. Streep was good enough to garner a nomination as usual, but considering the film didn't receive much attention from the Academy, I can't imagine she'll win. I'm going with Dench as my choice, because this is the year of the elderly.

Paige: Will win: Judi Dench. Should win: Paige

Comments: It will be no surprise to anyone with one whit of sense that Judi Dench has a Wikipedia page. But did you know that her awards and nominations have a Wikipedia page of their own? The Academy has nominated her quarce for a Best Actress award and she has not once won. (Although, she does have a win for Supporting Actress.) I amend my earlier comment. Not only will this be a night of Oscar upsets, it will be a British invasion of immeasurable proportions.

Actually...hmm...on second thought, it will in fact be measurable. There's only a finite number of awards.

Best Actor

Mike:  Will win: Christian Bale. Should win: Leonardo Dicaprio
Comments: I don't see how you can't give it to Leo. He was in nearly every shot of a 3-hour movie and was great in all of it. The Academy will select Christian Bale though, because they love actors and actresses who transform themselves physically for a role. While Bale's performance was very good, the transformation from
fit as a fiddle to becoming slightly overweight doesn't sound all that rigorous. "I hope you're ready for this role Christian, you'll need to eat nothing but donuts and pizza for two months. We all admire your tireless dedication to your craft."

Paige: Will win: Chiwetel Ejiofor. Should win: Matthew McConaughey
Comments: What did I say earlier about the British invasion?? Astonishingly, I do not think I should win this award. My performance lacked depth and I didn't resonate emotionally with myself. On the other hand, I used to hate Matthew McConaughey. I don't anymore.

Best Picture

Mike:  Will win: 12 Years a Slave. Should win: Wolf of Wall Street
Comments: Wolf of Wall Street begins with a character snorting cocaine from a hooker's caboose. I haven't seen 12 Years A Slave,and I don't doubt that it's a fine film, but I am going to assume it starts with something else. Something much more serious and important. In fact, I am also guessing the movie itself is much more serious and important, hence my prediction. The Academy is a very serious organization. They can't tolerate anyone more controversial than Billy Crystal as a host for crying out loud.

Paige: Will win: 12 Years a Slave. Should win: Her
Comments: I haven't seen 12 Years a Slave, but I know the Academy won't ignore a movie with a social message. It's possible they'll go for Captain Phillips or Dallas Buyers Club. However, I've also detected favoritism with respect to setting, namely that preference is given to those films set in the U.S. of A. Captain Phillips takes place in a foreign country. So does Dallas Buyers Club.

The Current State of News, In 26 Seconds

I don't know whether to laugh or cry. Pour out a 40 for journalism.

Netflix Review of the Week: Jack Reacher

See: Oblivion

American Hustle: Who Cares About the Movie? We Made a Globcast!!

For the first time in history, the voices of Mike and Paige are available in a never-before heard globcast from 1983.

 Part 1 - Errata:

• Paige mistakenly identifies "Silver Linings Playlist" as "Silver Linings Playbook," demonstrating her near-constant preoccupation with theater

 Part 2 - Errata:

• Paige confidently states the aphorism as "Necessity breeds invention." In actuality, the phrase is "Necessity is the mother of contempt."
• Mike's opprobrious dismissal of certain controlled substances makes him appear guiltier than a Canadian mayor. In actuality, the intensity of his discourse reflected a sincere distaste for all reality-altering substances. All of them. All. Well, he does enjoy a sprinkling of angel dust in his morning coffee, but who doesn't?
• Paige rambles on about character-, plot-, and tone-driven films. She doesn't know what she's talking about. She failed her undergraduate Introduction to Film class, but she's still appealing the grade.

Anchorman 2- The Review

After much anticipation, I saw Anchorman 2. 

Here is the review I had hoped to write:

Anchorman is my favorite comedy of all time. After repeated viewings, it somehow becomes funnier, as each viewing is a chance to discover a previously overlooked line or joke to laugh about until the next time I see it. Was there any chance Anchorman 2 could live up to those impossibly high standards? Well, considering it had the same director and the same cast in place for the sequel, how could it not? I'm pleased to announce that the sequel confirmed my suspicions! While I can't fairly compare it after only a single viewing, I can say without hesitation that they've captured everything that made the original so damned uproarious, yet put a new spin on it (it has been 10 years after all). If you are an Anchorman fan, you won't be disappointed. If you don't go see this movie right this instant, I will personally pelt you repeatedly with snowballs.

For a small fee, I'd be happy to go ahead and write that review and call it good. But considering I haven't received a worthy offer as of yet, I won't go all Ron Brewington on our readers.

However...here is my actual review:

A while back, I read a comment from Judd Apatow where he mentioned how surprised the cast and crew was at how funny the original Anchorman was after they'd finished filming. They thought it would be funny, but not that funny. To me, it seemed like a film where they came up with a concept for a story, got a bunch of incredibly funny people together, threw in a mish-mash of ad-libs, jokes, and situations they found funny, and it just happened to turn out just right. While Anchorman 2 was funny in its own right, the legitimate laughs were much less frequent than in the original, and laughs of the falling-on-the-floor variety were present, but rare. It seemed a bit too contrived, and winked a bit too much at the original by insisting on rehashing jokes that were much better the first time around.

In the original, Will Ferrell played Ron Burgundy, in the sequel, it seemed he was portraying Will Ferrell playing Ron Burgundy. It's a subtle difference, but it matters. There was also too much Steve Carell for my taste. Carell had some funny moments in the original, but it helped that his role was relatively small. In the sequel, they doubled down on Carell and his character's stupidity. It was a bit overdone.

I don't want to be completely negative, Anchorman 2 is absolutely worth seeing, but it just missed the mark enough that it's more of a "worth a look," than a "must see" comedy. As compared to all other comedies, it's a solid B+, but for those whose expectations were through the roof, prepare for a mild disappointment.

Paige's Wildly Well-Researched Wild Card Predictions

Chiefs vs. Colts
Winner: Colts
Prediction Methodology: Team logo is a horseshoe and the dude's name is Luck. If they don't win, they're idiots. Indianapolis.

Chargers vs. Bengals
Winner: Bengals
Prediction Methodology: Charging is all well and good, but over-charging leads to debt, headaches, and a wardrobe reflecting such unfortunate decisions as glitter Uggs and mini-skirts made out of candy bar wrappers. Cincinnati.

Saints vs. Eagles
Winner: Eagles
Prediction Methodology: Despite the Saints' unfortunate road record, they have an interesting fleur-de-lis logo. Speaking of logos, Philadelphia is near Pittsburgh, and Pittsburgh has the BEST LOGO IN THE NFL!! Philadelphia.

49ers vs Packers
Winner: Packers
Prediction Methodology: Hmm. I hate the 49ers. But I like gold. Hmm. I also like cheese. Green Bay.

Fon Do Scenes: Episode 6- Anchorman

Happy Anchorman 2 Week!!!!

In honor of yesterday's release of the long-awaited Anchorman 2, the decision to post an Anchorman scene today is an easy one. The much harder choice is....which scene to post? We'll make it a short and simple one.

Yes, I will be seeing Anchorman 2 this evening. By the beard of Zeus, I will put on my Sex Panther cologne, work on my enunciating, call my friends, get a quick workout in, and get my tickets.

Consider this an announcement to keep an eye out for a review soon.

Fon Don't: Move to Austin

What? Why not??

Because of traffic. What about traffic?

"The technical word we use is 'awful,' "explains this NPR description of ONE OF THE MOST HELLISH POTENTIAL COMMUTES KNOWN TO MAN!

I'll be honest, I don't care about Austin. Nope. Not really. I do care about the fact that there's a nearby town by the name of Paige. I care about Paige. A lot.

Okay, this is all just an elaborate and clever introduction to one of my favorite news voices of all time: Wade Goodwyn, NPR National Desk Correspondent from Texas, stationed in Dallas. Why Wade? Here's why:

1. Not to be judgmental, but his accent sounds like one could find him, betwixt reports, reclining in a leather club chair, a 10-gallon hat perched at a rakish angle on his wild Texan head of hear, his cowboy boot-clad feet casually crossed at the ankles atop a massive wooden desk, smoking a cigar and brandishing a hunting rifle that he regularly unloads in the direction of an 18-point buck trophy mounted on a nearby wall.
2. He also sounds like one of the sanest people currently living in Texas. (Oh dear. That sounds judgmental too.)
3. Well, anyway, most importantly, he sounds like the narrator of Charlotte's Web. (Although he might gleefully put a bullet in in between Wilbur's beady little porcine eyes. Who knows.)

Despite the fact that I don't know Goodwyn's personal political leanings, I appreciate hearing him on NPR. He and Nina Totenberg reading the transcripts of Supreme Court  proceedings counteract the soul-crushing dialects of at least one other correspondent (whom I am simply too well-mannered to name here, even though I really really really want to).

In conclusion, Wade Goodwyn, please don't be a Republican.

Wade Goodwyn: Fon Do

Fon Do Scenes: Episode 5 - The Big Lebowski

This episode is brought to you by the number '5'.

A few interesting Facts about Five:

• It's the atomic number of the least interesting element on the periodic table: Boron
• Most starfish have 5 appendages. This is known as pentamerism.
• Category 5 hurricanes are the most destructive
• F-5 tornadoes are the most destructive

So...basically...just don't F with the number 5. 

...This episode is also brought to you by the letter 'F', by the way. 

Oh! Something else! The square of 5 is 25. So 25 is, like, 5 times more destructive than 5. 

Oh! I almost forgot! Christmas is coming! Oh, the joy! Let's take a moment to reflect on the true meaning of this glorious holiday.

No, it's not the presents.

No, it's not spending time with family.

No, it's not about food and candy and candy and food and candy and eggnog and candy.

No, none of that.

It's because of Jesus, whose birth we happen to celebrate on the 25th.

So...basically...don't F with Jesus. Times 5.

Black Friday Awards

I don’t know if it’s still called Black Friday, or Black Thursday Early Evening these days, but for the second time ever, I ventured out with my brother to the chaotic shopping scene on Thanksgiving night.

Here are my 2013 Black Friday awards:

Best opening scene: To the ambulance with flashing lights and sirens in the parking lot. This was the first thing I saw when we pulled in. I was hoping it was a precursor to a brawl over the last pair of $2 socks in the store. I really want to see one of these shopping fights that I’m always hearing about.

Best shirt: To the guy in Toys R’ Us wearing a T-shirt that read, “You look like you could use a high-five….in the FACE!!” I should have followed this guy around, I’ll bet there was brawl potential there. That shirt just screamed “I might be aggressive if provoked.”

Most painful moment: Having my Achilles rammed by an overenthusiastic shopper at Target. Avoiding major injury after countless hours of playing basketball, only to be put in crutches by a rabid bargain hunter would have been embarrassing to say the least. Luckily the pain was only momentary.

Best “I’m out of my league here” moment: When the Target doors opened, and everyone took off sprinting to get the item they came for, I made a beeline for the advertisement on the wall to see exactly what the great deals were.

Worst deal: There was a giant box of towels in an aisle at Target. Only $2.99 each!! I didn’t really need any towels, but how could I pass that up? Well, because in reading the fine print, they were only $4.50 each regularly. I returned home sans towels.

Best deal that wasn't a deal: An LED headlamp, for only $5! I’d been wanting one of these, and what a price! However, they were not on sale, $5 was the regular price. Not a good enough deal, I passed. Had they been regularly $10, I would have made the purchase.  

Best actress: To the woman who stepped in front of me in the checkout line. I was 20 feet from finally having an opportunity to pay and get the hell out of Target with my $30 of merchandise after waiting in line for well over an hour, and this nice woman just steps right in front of me.  She was immediately redirected by an employee. Cutting Woman may have been being truthful when she apologized by saying she didn’t notice the giant line zig-zagging through every aisle of the store, but I doubt it. I’m guessing this is where some of the best fights happen!  

Best business idea while waiting outside in the cold waiting for Target to open their doors: My idea of setting up a coffee stand outside these enormous, tedious lines. Or even just walking down the line with a thermos and some cups and charging a buck per cup. After a half hour wait in the bitter cold, I would’ve paid $10 for a Dixie cup of Folgers.

Best pretense of angst over the moral dilemma facing us liberal, socially-conscious shoppers: To the woman behind us in line, who asked a young employee if she was okay with working on Thanksgiving. The employee’s tepid-at-best response of “yes,” gave us the strength to push on.

Until next year….

A Few Random and Pointless Thanksgiving Thoughts

Nobody says "gobble gobble," on Thanksgiving anymore, except ironically.

I always stay away from the cranberry sauce, but I don't believe I've ever actually tasted it.

I don't know what stuffing is exactly, but I can never get enough of it, and every family gathering runs out of it far too quickly.

Pilgrim dress is coming back, and it's coming hard. Pilgrim is the new...whatever was in style last year. So help me God, if this post gets over 500 hits, I promise to dress as a pilgrim next year and post a picture to prove it.



I'm 50/50 on hitting Black Friday for the second time ever this year with my brother. Mainly I thought it would be funny to observe people and gobble glob about it. Does it start earlier now? If I hit the stores at 4 A.M. will everything already be picked through from Thanksgiving night shoppers?

Fon Do Scenes: Episode 4 - Lost in Translation

Bill Murray can say more with the barest innuendo of the slightest movement of an eyebrow than most actors can say in a 5-minute POTUS speech.

Confusion, frustration, humor, despair, exhaustion, jet lag, Murray runs the gamut of emotions. All of them... with [brilliantly understated] intensity.

I'm not saying that this happened. But it's possible that one evening in my 25th year, alone with a bottle of Bordeaux, I spent over an hour filming myself in a recreation of the Suntory commercial. There were many takes involved. The director was insane and incomprehensible. Ultimately, it was rejected by StoryCorps.

P.S. If it won't spoil the relaxing time, you can read the lost translation of what the director is really saying. There's a lot of ecstatic emotion and tenderness involved. I'll be honest, that's basically impossible...except for Bill Murray. Bill Murray can do anything.