Dateline: Hold Shelf at Southwest Branch of Seattle Public Library

I know ever since I mentioned on July 29th that I had placed a hold on The Artist, that everyone was waiting, with bated breath, to learn when I would finally discover that it was "ready for pickup."

Well, the bad news is that it is not yet "ready for pickup."

The good news is that I am currently in Position 704 on 149 copies. Records indicate that I placed the hold on April 4, 2012. Things are progressing quite swimmingly, I should say.

That is all.

I Would Like You to Watch 21 Jump Street Tonight

21 Jump Street was seven times funnier than I anticipated. It went a bit overboard when it devolved into an action movie for the last 20 minutes, but Jonah Hill and Channing Tatum keep the guffaws flowing up to that point. Also, there is a brief, but wonderful General Zod reference for Superman II nerds such as myself.

While I highly recommend the movie, I must be honest and say the primary reason for mentioning it was so I could post this picture.

Day 6 of the Bloggers Strike

But some scabs remain...

Look!

It's NOT Ryan Gosling!

The Postless Post

Co-Pilot's Log.
Stardate: Omega Cinque Tinfoil

Day 3 of the Post Drought.

I'm not sure where we're going to get our next post. It's a dog-eat-post world we live in. One minute you think you have a post, the next minute you discover it's just an email to your college roommate to whom you haven't spoken in a few dozen years, not since he laundered his underpants in the dishwasher. And you're thinking to yourself, "But I had something witty to write." But you didn't. Not really. You haven't watched a movie since The War Horse Debacle. You've taken to reading...books.

Times is hard is all.

War Horse: I Lost the Battle

As I was saying several posts ago about putting Oscar-nominated movies on hold at the library...

After five months of languishing in the queue, I found this one on the shelf waiting for me the other day. I wasn't really that interested in this movie to begin with, but I thought, why not, right?

I'll tell you why not.

Twenty minutes into this movie, I had to take pity on myself and stop it. Just stop it.

Steve, what the f%$k, babe!

This movie was so melodramatic, I felt like I was watching the parody skit that Saturday Night Live must have inevitably made based on this film. I mean, my words cannot possibly adequately describe the hammy saccharinity of War Horse. So I won't even try.

However, I will say that the horse is a terrible actor. Mr. Ed does a better job of emoting. Hell, the cat that died and was turned into a helicopter by his owner demonstrates more emotion as it propellers its way around the yard. And that cat is dead!

Brilliant Idea: #49

The next time you go on vacation, don't take anything with you. Take nothing.

If, after a few days, you need a new pair of underpants, go buy some. Need a toothbrush after a week? Go buy it. Need some prescription medication?

[...okay, just make sure that you don't need prescription medication.]

Think about it! Consider the advantages. Going through Security at the airport is practically painless. And everything you bring back will be a souvenir, so you won't have to waste money on souvenirs. You can just pull out your brand new pair of underpants and go, "Look, my friends! These are not just underpants, they are Albanian underpants." You can give the toothbrush to your niece and tell her to cherish it always because you had to elbow an old Albanian woman in the teeth to get the last one on the shelf. (See, the Albanian woman didn't need the toothbrush after that happened, did she?)

Ah. Memories...

Mars, Martians, and Curiosity

I’m hopeful that the Curiosity Rover’s landing on Mars last night will help to usher in an era where Martians are once again the frequent  and preferred subjects of books and movies. I feel like zombies and vampires have worn out their welcome. I think deep down we all realize the vampire fad ended the second Kristen Stewart cheated on Robert Pattinson (sniffles). Zombies got annoying once the hipsters got their grimy mitts on them and started writing books like this. I liken the zombie fascination to the pirate craze of the early 2000s, it was funny for a day or two but subsequently just irritating.

I realize that if Curiosity stumbles upon life during this journey, it will look more like a lawn weed than a giant-headed, ray-gun-toting monster, but I’m ready for the Martian revival!

Nutrition: A Simple Guide to Maintaining a Healthy Diet

Okay, here's all you need to know:

There are four food groups. There always have been and always will be. They are:

• Peanut Butter
• Ice Cream
• Chocolate
• Cheese*

There are four sub-food groups. They are not necessarily less nutritious than the first four, and in some cases are more situationally appropriate. But they are less inherent to the basic necessities of survival. These sub-groups are:

• Salami
• Prosciutto
• Pepperoni
• Alcohol

I find that it's best to keep food pairings within the context of the larger taxonomy, i.e., don't mix sub-group foods with items from the main food group. *Note that this rule does not apply to cheese, which can be paired with anything, including less important comestibles, like vegetables and fruits, and also bread (which is understood to be the Grand Poobah of all foods and is like water in that if you go 6 hours without bread, you will die). Otherwise, novices to the PICC system should be warned that combining, oh let's say, alcohol, with ice cream or chocolate may cause not only expansion of the waistline, but also mysterious markings on the kitchen, office, and dining room walls that not even an organic, enzymatic, lye-based solvent will remove.

So, that's it. That's the PICC diet. Easy! And guilt-free!

(This post is dedicated to my sister and quasi-brother-in-law. They know why.)

Brilliant Idea: #119

Techno-grunge music.

Better yet, disco grunge.

♫
     Black hole sun,
     Won't you come?
     Won't you come--

      ---TO FUNKYTOWWWWNNN!
♬

Oh, crumbs. I guess someone already thought of it.

Lazy Posting

Here's an image of a timely and amusing flowchart:

- So, you're just going to post an image of a flowchart?
- Yep.
- That's just lazy.
- Yep.
- ...
- What? I'm genetically predisposed to sit around a lot and do nothing, so? I'm a natural spectator. You have to have spectators or it doesn't work. They're integral to the natural balance of things. And yes, spectators don't do anything. They're lazy. If you think about it, I'm really kind of a hero.

Ted- Weeks Later, I'm Still Laughing

Ted is funny. Really funny. If you enjoy Seth Macfarlane’s brand of humor, pot-smoking teddy bears, or laughter, you’ll like it. In fact, if you see it and don’t laugh uproariously on multiple occasions, I’m afraid we can’t be best friends.

My grandmother, 85, actually saw it with my mom and my mom’s friend. Grandma’s review: “Oh, I really enjoyed it.”

Quote of the Day: Speaking of movies and curmudgeons...

"Behind the phony tinsel of Hollywood lies the real tinsel." - Oscar Levant.

Levant may have been the curmudgeoniest curmudgeon who ever curmudgeoned, with the possible exceptions of W.C. Handy or Ambrose Bierce. Or Oscar Wilde. Or, um, Dorothy Parker...

...okay, so he was like the 11th-highest-rated curmudgeon.

More information on curmudgeons and curmudgeon-related accessories can be found in The Portable Curmudgeon by Jon Winokur, Curmudgeon #327. Mike will only enjoy half of this book or only half-heartedly enjoy it (see post from August 1, 2012).

Newsroom- A Liberal Dreamworld

The fictional newsroom in Newsroom is a liberal playground where registered Republicans grow intolerant of the radical takeover of the party, people punch Rush Limbaugh in the face (or at least his image on a computer screen), and present fact over partisan rancor as a public service. Suffice it to say the facts are not on the side of the conservative party. It’s what liberals want the fourth estate to be. It’s this celebration of the idealism of true journalistic standards that is at the root of what is at times a fantastic show.

For me, it’s Aaron Sorkin’s rapid-fire, unrealistic banter that’s the evil-doer threatening to water down the show. The show’s characters are already waiting with their snappy comebacks before the words are out of the mouths of their compadres. Does it ruin the show? I don’t believe it does. It certainly creates more of a zany, sitcom-type atmosphere than seems appropriate given the subject matter though. If I sound like a humorless curmudgeon, well that’s half accurate. I’ll cop to being a curmudgeon, but I’ve been known to laugh on occasion. Sitcoms haven’t been funny since the 80s though.

Quibbles aside, I love the meat of the show. Facts are facts and true journalists vigorously pursue said facts. There are not two equal sides to every story. If one side says the Earth is round, and the other claims it is actually a rectangular, the truth doesn’t lie somewhere in the middle (which would make the Earth a triangle?). That’s what I enjoy about Newsroom, the portrayal of the idealism of journalism and dedication of the journalists. That’s what journalism should be, and may in fact be in some circles. Liberals can be comfortable that more often than not in this day and age, the facts fall on their side when the smoke is cleared. 

Beasts of the Southern Wild: Now available in Denmark

Have I talked about Denmark yet?

No?

Unbelievable. I talk about Denmark constantly. And if a week passes with no mention of it, I'll make sure to bring it up in conversation again. In case anyone forgot.

Several years ago, it was reported that the Danish are the happiest people on Earth. Why? Well, for lots of reasons, most of which I'm too lazy to elaborate upon. Using my recipe for Oversimplified Journalistic Reduction Sauce, I am able to boil it down to these three points:

1. They are happy being content rather than searching for everlasting mania (the American definition of happiness).
2. They keep their expectations low.
3. No third point. See. Despite the fact that I said there would be three points, you shouldn't have expected that many. Consider this Danish Lesson #1.

Right.

So, yeah. Beasts of the Southern Wild...

Had high expectations. Grand Jury Prize from Sundance Film Festival. Several honors from Cannes. Even the movie industry's equivalent to the Miss America tiara, the highly coveted Golden Space Needle Award from the Seattle International Film Festival.

I saw the trailers. It was like Where the Wild Things Are meets Mardi Gras meets magical realism meets the inspirational and accessible philosophy of Paulo Coelho.

And I went to see it. And it was all of these things. And I need to say right now that even though everyone is praising Quvenzhané Wallis' performance, I really think that Dwight Henry stole the show. You don't know who Dwight Henry is? That's because, according to IMDb, he "owns and runs the 'Buttermilk Drop Bakery and Cafe' in the Seventh Ward, New Orleans." Baker. Not actor. Baker.

Anyway, after the movie my friend and I ate crepes and pretended to be smart by conversing about the film's archetypal thematic and structural elements, including but not limited to The Great Flood, the Bildungsroman, balance of man with nature, confronting one's fears, unification with the feminine deity (my friend's idea, not mine!) and others...

But then the discussion took a turn when we started to wonder, why the hell, precisely, does the strip club need to be named Elysian Fields and why, really, does that guy need to save all of his chicken sandwich wrappers to remember the time he ate each one? Because I want to believe in that. I want to believe that it's possible to remember each precious moment of one's life by hoarding fast food packaging, but I struggle.

Hmm, struggle, that's another theme...

In summary... if you're going to go see this movie, keep your expectations low. I think you'll be pleasantly surprised that way.


You dropped the Golden Space Needle Award.
P.S. Hell no, I ain't going after it. In that water? You crazy.