Nutrition: A Simple Guide to Maintaining a Healthy Diet

Okay, here's all you need to know:

There are four food groups. There always have been and always will be. They are:

• Peanut Butter
• Ice Cream
• Chocolate
• Cheese*

There are four sub-food groups. They are not necessarily less nutritious than the first four, and in some cases are more situationally appropriate. But they are less inherent to the basic necessities of survival. These sub-groups are:

• Salami
• Prosciutto
• Pepperoni
• Alcohol

I find that it's best to keep food pairings within the context of the larger taxonomy, i.e., don't mix sub-group foods with items from the main food group. *Note that this rule does not apply to cheese, which can be paired with anything, including less important comestibles, like vegetables and fruits, and also bread (which is understood to be the Grand Poobah of all foods and is like water in that if you go 6 hours without bread, you will die). Otherwise, novices to the PICC system should be warned that combining, oh let's say, alcohol, with ice cream or chocolate may cause not only expansion of the waistline, but also mysterious markings on the kitchen, office, and dining room walls that not even an organic, enzymatic, lye-based solvent will remove.

So, that's it. That's the PICC diet. Easy! And guilt-free!

(This post is dedicated to my sister and quasi-brother-in-law. They know why.)