Oblivion: The Tom Cruise Test

• Is the main character named Jack?
• At some point, does Jack reminisce about a great moment in sports history?
• Does the soundtrack sound like Vangelis on steroids? 
• Is there a scene that seems to exist solely for the purpose of making the audience watch Jack ride a futuristic motorcycle through a futuristic landscape set to futuristic Vangelis-on-steroids music? 
• Does Jack soliloquize to such hackneyed excess throughout the film that you question how the screenplay even made it into production? 
• Is there a smoking hot, tall female character in love with Jack? (Trick question: That's almost every movie in Hollywood. The real question is: Are there two??) 

If you answered "Yes" to most of these questions, you are probably watching a Tom Cruise movie.
If you answered "Yes" to all of these questions, you are definitely watching a Tom Cruise movie.

Oblivion is a Tom Cruise movie.

In case you weren't sure...

Hi! I'm Tom Cruise! I'm on a motorcycle. I ride motorcycles in movies. Look at me! I'm standing on this motorcycle. I'm Tom Cruise!!
Via

I Got A Traffic Ticket

In light of the recent Reese Witherspoon fiasco, one could assume that the notion that somebody can get away with breaking the law simply because they are famous is a thing of the past.

But isn't it possible this was just the wrong celebrity, and more importantly the wrong method? You can’t browbeat an officer into letting you off the hook, as Reese now knows all too well. One must use a more cunning, and tactful strategy, not to mention being a bit more relevant than Reese “wasn’t I just cute as a button in Election?” Witherspoon.

I unwittingly put this theory to the test the other day, when I playfully ran a stop sign on a side street, right in front of a motorcycle cop. The officer approached and asked where I was headed "in such a hurry.” Rather than explain to him that I have much more efficient methods of getting somewhere “in a hurry” besides performing a rolling stop at 1.5 MPH, I kindly issued him a mea culpa with my best smile.

My humility was simply a ruse to soften the officer up. My plan was to go to my wallet and slip a crisp dollar bill under my driver’s license when he asked for it. Knowing full well that motorcycle cops are notoriously tough to bribe however, I knew I’d have to up the ante a bit. That’s right, a five spot, a Lincoln.

I was very coy about the whole thing. As I handed him my license with the five dollar bill underneath, I said with a wink, “Oops! How did that get in there? Tell you what, how about you just take that, and go back to your motorcycle and we’ll pretend this little incident never happened.” This must have been the world’s richest cop though, because he quickly rebuffed me and proceeded to begin the process of running my license and most likely writing me a ticket.

I had only one option left. “Officer friendly….wait a second,” I yelled. “I’m not trying to big-time you here, but I’m sure you've heard of Fondue Movie Reviews….” Five, maybe ten seconds of uncomfortable silence ensued. “Well, I write for that website. Do you hear me? I write for Fondue Movie Reviews!!!”

The officer continued to pretend like he couldn't hear me, or didn't know what I was talking about. I grew more agitated. “Do you know who I am? Are you not getting this? I am very important! FONDUE F’ING MOVIE REVIEWS. I write for them!!!” Finally, he handed me my ticket for nearly $300. As he rode off (at an unsafe speed I might add), I lay down on the street, openly weeping and pounding my fist against the hard asphalt beneath me, screaming “Fondue Movie Reviews…very famous and important…I know important people…I’ll have your badge, I’ll have your baaaaaaaaaaadge!!!!!!”

Editor's note: This is still an open case. For legal purposes, I must clarify that other than me being the recipient of a cruel and heartless ticket, none of this really happened. 

Demi Baguette from Macrina Bakery!

In the immortal words of Carly Simon...

"It's the stuff that dreams are made of."

Dear Readers, take it from me. This seemingly innocuous sandwich is the gateway to an addiction rivaled only by J.Crew Factory shopping

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Aspic!

A better title for this article would have been Aspic Rations.

Why I am wholly confused at least half the time...

This is a makeup compact:

This is a laptop:

You may notice that both items share a similar clamshell-like construction. To access the contents of either the compact or the laptop, one must simply prize open the two halves of the object, and presto.

But look closely and you will see that there is one extremely confounding difference between these two items: the direction of the picture or text on the lid. Whereas the text on the makeup container is legible to the person opening the product, the text or picture on the laptop is right-side-up not to the user, but to those looking at the user. Presumably, this is so because other people see a person on a laptop and muse, "Wow! That is one sexy mofo on that laptop there. I would like to be as attractive as that person. I can do this by purchasing the same exact item that is making that person seem so desirable. If only I knew what company manufactured the device on which they are typing so magnificently, so sexily. Ah! Thank heavens the company has stamped the logo so cleverly on the lid that I might read it from across this coffee shop and make plans to procure one of my own. Before I know it, other people will be coveting me and my personal mobile computer! Thank heavens for capitalism! Bless us all!!"

Presumably, that is happening.

And that is why the text must be upside down to me when I am trying to open my laptop.

And this is why, after becoming accustomed to this idiosyncratic rule for getting at the heart of my laptop, I am consequently unable to get to the powder in the makeup compact. It is a sad tapestry of despair that is woven by my frustrated attempts to open either of these objets de l'enfer.

Nnnnggghh. Nnnnnngggghhh. Can't. Get. To. Blush. Am. Hideous.

Nnnnnggghh. Nnnnnngggghhhh. Am. Hideously. Ugly. Want. To. Watch. Netflix. Can't. Open. Laptop.

*collapse*

Confused Hipster Music News

Electro-folk chorale troupe Sarcastic Zombie Pirate announced today that they were officially disbanding as of 3:07 p.m. yesterday afternoon. At least three fans in Cohasset, Massachusetts, wrote to FMR to express their quiet, rage-filled chagrin at the news. Formed in March 2013, Sarcastic Zombie Pirate released the smash hit, Davy Jones' Plums, a syntho-spoken haiku with an ethereal oboe-heavy backbeat. Plums reached #12 on the Obfuscatory Anti-Billboard Charts, a widely respected, but mostly unknown, independent ratings chart that focuses on peculiarly unlistenable music.

Although the reasons for the band's breakup remain a mystery, an anonymous source revealed they informed their agent of the news via this somewhat enigmatic...letter? poem?

The pirate thing was pretty much the worst thing ever.
Yeah, "arggh" haha. We get it.
Oh an eye patch! Nice touch.
Yes, I'll walk the plank. Good one.
No, I won't help you find the buried treasure.
Yes, if only we could find you a parrot for your shoulder.
We just don't want to eat anyone's brains anymore.

No band members could be reached for immediate comment.

Brilliant Idea #824: Retinal Scan Coffee Ordering

Program my coffee preferences into my eyeball. Then, when I shuffle up to any coffee joint in any city on the planet, they know exactly how much steamed soy I want in my septuple americano. Why hasn't this been implemented yet? Do I have to think of everything?!?!?

Last Friday Was A Catastrophe!

Casual day and my super skinny jeans were in the dirty clothes hamper. What unacceptable rubbish this is, I thought, as I perused my extensive, yet still unsatisfying wardrobe options. I had to make do with some boring old, figure-flattering boot-cut pair.

Skinny jeans: Incomparable. Ineffable. So revealing. So casual. So dress up- and dress down-able. How can it be that there is no attire that provides an adequate substitute for this most delightful and universally appropriate article of clothing, in either form or function? And yet, it is so. There is a gaping hole in the American closet when skinny jeans are in the wash.

Thus, I have taken it upon myself to suggest some alternatives should any of our dear readers ever encounter the same horrific nightmare that visited me late last week.

The Jumper
Ah, the jumper, that saucy number popularized by Shelley Duvall in The Shining. Should you find yourself bereft of your skinnies, the jumper (or pinafore, if you're British) will do quite nicely in a pinch. Pair it with a turtleneck for heightened allure.

Jodhpurs
Specifically, brightly patterned jodhpurs. A Hawaiian-print pair should be a staple in any self-respecting woman's or metrosexual's closet. Once you have those, feel free to expand your collection. Experiment with tie-dye, tribal patterns, animal prints, and pink camouflage. Then put some taps on your shoes. Nothing says "active, equestrian lifestyle" like the sound of you clip-clopping down the sidewalk like a Clydesdale.

Culottes
I'm thinking wide legs, huge wide legs that flutter and frill around your thighs like you're Annie Oakley at a shuffleboard tournament. Wear them with a sombrero to look especially fetching at the next board meeting.

You'll need the baseball bat to ward off all the suitors who will be drawn to you and your jumper-rocking bod like bees to honey.
Via

Update on blog contributor Ray Prail after his bizarre run-in with an irate unicorn.

Dead.

Homework: How to do it and not do it at the same time, thus creating a singularity for your grade to fall into and never be heard from again

Look what I did today! I made this!

Okay, so I was supposed to be reviewing and writing a several-page paper on something or other. But that doesn't matter! That's not important anymore. Because I made a stereograph! 

I didn't even know what a stereograph was and now I'm going to be rich and famous because I'm so effing good at it. Look at it go! Wheeeeeeeeee!

P.S. Do you want to make one too? If so, I challenge you to a stereograph duel! *thwap thwap* a.k.a. *glove slap*

Roger Ebert

Even though movies aren't reviewed around here quite as often as we'd like, the fact that the words "movie,"and "review" are in our title requires us to say a few words about Roger Ebert, the longtime movie critic who passed away yesterday.

I grew up watching At the Movies, with Gene Siskel and Ebert. What a great show. Although Siskel and Ebert did agree a fair amount of the time, it was their intense, and very real bickering that really took the show to another level. The concept of a show with two people with differing viewpoints arguing with each other has unfortunately been copied far too many times, but back then, it was a novel and highly entertaining concept. Most people assumed the two critics couldn't stand one another.

I usually found that Ebert's opinion carried more weight with me (honestly, that's not a dig at him being the more portly of the two in those days). In those days, movie critics weren't quite as commonplace as they are now, and they were a bit more pretentious. Ebert was different though. He was just as quick to heap praise on a movie that might not be considered particularly artistic, but simply provided humor or entertainment.

I also admire Ebert for continuing to stay in the public spotlight somewhat after his cancer surgery had left him without the ability to speak. While this meant his television days were behind him, he still poured himself into writing about not only movies, but politics and life in general.

I'll resist the temptation to say something like, "thumbs up Roger," but I'll just say that I can't imagine another movie critic ever being as influential as he was.

Mug of the Day

Breaking News

Dateline: Portland, OR

Controversial blogger and gun enthusiast Ray Prail was the victim of a hit-and-run accident this morning. Paramedics have taken him to Nightingale Memorial Hospital where it is reported that every single bone in his body has been broken or crushed, save his coccyx which remains surprisingly intact. 

"I've never seen anything like it," said Dorothy Blarny, who witnessed the heinous assault from a nearby coffee shop. "I noticed him sort of sauntering through the cross walk. He couldn't move too fast 'cause his britches was sagging purt near down to his knees. Well, outta nowhere comes this pickup, just going hell for leather towards him. I thought for sure he'd jump outta the way, but he fell instead and the truck...well, it just rolled right over him."

New Contributor- Ray Prail

Good morning Ladies and Germs,

My name is Ray Prail, and I am happy as a clam to be joining the cheesy fondue team! This is my introduction, and I will be posting multiple times per day from here on out.

WARNING: People don’t always get me, I can be awfully sarcastic, but if you are clever enough to follow along with me, I think you’ll really enjoy my, shall we say…musings. I may get myself into hot water at times, but I really don’t care whose toes I step on, this is just who I am.

I'll be blogging about rock (mainly metal bands), mainstream movies, the 2nd Amendment, and if you're lucky, some stories from my weekend ragers. 

A little background on me:

Hometown: Vancouver, WA

Favorite movies: The Fast and the Furious, Transformers 2, 10,000 B.C.

Favorite bands: Korn, The Offspring, Alabama Shakes.

Favorite restaurants: Pasta Pronto! Shari's, Lovejoy Market, Taco Bell (when I'm hammered!)

Now, for a little fun to roast my new team members:

Mike? More like “Bike,” except a bike is actually good exercise. Reading your nonsensical posts is an exercise in futility. You just aren't nearly as funny as you think you are. Every time I read one of your posts, I make the Tommy Lee Jones Golden Globes face.

Maybe it wasn't a great idea to start a movie review blog since apparently the most recent thing you've watched is a kid's show from the 70's. You want a review? Here's Siskel and Ebert's review of your writing: Two big thumbs down!!

Paige? More like "Cage," meaning I feel that I'm locked in one anytime I read your posts. You think you're too cool to review a mainstream movie don't you? Well I have news for you, nobody is going to see any of the movies you review, no matter how many fancy words you use to tell us how great it is! 

They say a picture tells a thousand words, and you seem to agree, since you think a picture is worthy of a post. More like a picture is worth a thousand nerds, like I could find a thousand nerds that I like better than you, nerd!

Hey readers of FMR? Oh wait, there aren't any! Now that I am on board, at least this site will get interesting, and some of my buddies (what's up Donny and Jason!!) will get involved in the comments section and make that more than the snoozefest it currently is. 

I hope I didn't rub any of you the wrong way. Actually I hope I did, because that's who I am. It takes a while to get me, but if and when you do, I believe you'll be very entertained. 

I'm out,

Ray.