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Dateline: Portland, OR

Controversial blogger and gun enthusiast Ray Prail was the victim of a hit-and-run accident this morning. Paramedics have taken him to Nightingale Memorial Hospital where it is reported that every single bone in his body has been broken or crushed, save his coccyx which remains surprisingly intact. 

"I've never seen anything like it," said Dorothy Blarny, who witnessed the heinous assault from a nearby coffee shop. "I noticed him sort of sauntering through the cross walk. He couldn't move too fast 'cause his britches was sagging purt near down to his knees. Well, outta nowhere comes this pickup, just going hell for leather towards him. I thought for sure he'd jump outta the way, but he fell instead and the truck...well, it just rolled right over him."

Ms. Blarny says the driver stopped after hitting Prail. But no one exited the vehicle. Instead, the truck reversed and ran over Prail again. Blarny says that she lost count, but thinks the pickup ran over Prail a total of about 13 times before speeding off. During that time, Blarny was able to take a picture of the driver:

Although bystanders report that the driver's words were somewhat difficult to comprehend, they remember hearing the angry unicorn yell, "Bike! I'll show you a Bike!! How do you like my bike now, Garbage Prail?!?"