I Got A Traffic Ticket

In light of the recent Reese Witherspoon fiasco, one could assume that the notion that somebody can get away with breaking the law simply because they are famous is a thing of the past.

But isn't it possible this was just the wrong celebrity, and more importantly the wrong method? You can’t browbeat an officer into letting you off the hook, as Reese now knows all too well. One must use a more cunning, and tactful strategy, not to mention being a bit more relevant than Reese “wasn’t I just cute as a button in Election?” Witherspoon.

I unwittingly put this theory to the test the other day, when I playfully ran a stop sign on a side street, right in front of a motorcycle cop. The officer approached and asked where I was headed "in such a hurry.” Rather than explain to him that I have much more efficient methods of getting somewhere “in a hurry” besides performing a rolling stop at 1.5 MPH, I kindly issued him a mea culpa with my best smile.

My humility was simply a ruse to soften the officer up. My plan was to go to my wallet and slip a crisp dollar bill under my driver’s license when he asked for it. Knowing full well that motorcycle cops are notoriously tough to bribe however, I knew I’d have to up the ante a bit. That’s right, a five spot, a Lincoln.

I was very coy about the whole thing. As I handed him my license with the five dollar bill underneath, I said with a wink, “Oops! How did that get in there? Tell you what, how about you just take that, and go back to your motorcycle and we’ll pretend this little incident never happened.” This must have been the world’s richest cop though, because he quickly rebuffed me and proceeded to begin the process of running my license and most likely writing me a ticket.

I had only one option left. “Officer friendly….wait a second,” I yelled. “I’m not trying to big-time you here, but I’m sure you've heard of Fondue Movie Reviews….” Five, maybe ten seconds of uncomfortable silence ensued. “Well, I write for that website. Do you hear me? I write for Fondue Movie Reviews!!!”

The officer continued to pretend like he couldn't hear me, or didn't know what I was talking about. I grew more agitated. “Do you know who I am? Are you not getting this? I am very important! FONDUE F’ING MOVIE REVIEWS. I write for them!!!” Finally, he handed me my ticket for nearly $300. As he rode off (at an unsafe speed I might add), I lay down on the street, openly weeping and pounding my fist against the hard asphalt beneath me, screaming “Fondue Movie Reviews…very famous and important…I know important people…I’ll have your badge, I’ll have your baaaaaaaaaaadge!!!!!!”

Editor's note: This is still an open case. For legal purposes, I must clarify that other than me being the recipient of a cruel and heartless ticket, none of this really happened.