The Uncritical Critic

Several years ago, back when people used to look at the newspaper for movie times and listings, I came to notice a trend in the movie advertisements. Most well-reviewed movies would feature favorable quotes in their ads from legitimate sources such as the New York Times, Rolling Stone, etc. However, even the movies that critics nearly unanimously panned would generally have one glowing quote from a critic. I began to notice that the vast majority of these were coming from one obscure source: Ron Brewington, American Urban Radio Networks. Brewington appeared to be be more of a cheerleader than a critic. Rex Reed with a short skirt and pom-pom's.

These are real:

"A most extraordinary film! An unforgettable adventure!"- Brewington on The Postman

"WOW! An amazing achievement!"- Brewington on Armageddon

"Battlefield Earth will rock America"- Okay, he had one right anyway.

Now I'm not here to say whether something sinister or underhanded was involved. It's quite possible that Brewington just really enjoyed literally every movie he saw, and was more than happy to tell the world about it. That being said, I would like to extend the olive branch to movie studios out there who are seeking somebody similar, somebody to provide positive feedback for their films. "Fondue Movie Reviews" sounds like a pretty legitimate source doesn't it?

I'll be honest. We need money, and lots of it. Pay us handsomely and we'll say wonderful things about your films. Just looking at the current slate of films out in theaters right now, here's what Fondue can do for you:

"An astonishing thriller of epic proportions! Stallone delivers a knockout blow that you'll never want to wake up from!"- Bullet to the Head

"I was so f'ing scared that I couldn't keep food down for a week. I lost 25 pounds, and now I look and feel great!"- Mama

"This would be the movie of the decade in 1D. But in 3D? An unthinkably enjoyable ride that you'll never forget, and won't want to, ever."- Hansel & Gretel Witch Hunters 3D

"An incredible journey back in time, and an ending with a mind-bending twist that you'll never see coming! Lincoln sure didn't! (I've probably said too much)- Lincoln

"An uproarious laugh-fest that will haunt your funny bone for decades. If you watch this staggeringly hilarious film and don't laugh until you've run out of tears and can't move from your seat due to extreme stomach pain, you simply aren't human."- Haunted House

Movie studios: We can do this and more for you. We have the writers. We have the clout. We have the reputation. We have the website. We have the moxie. We have the hyperbole.

You know where to reach us.  We accept Diners Club or cash.

Thanks,

FMR

Going Through the Mailbag

As you may have surmised from the last post, we get flooded with fan mail here at Fondue, and we just don’t have the time to reply to all of them. Just to let you know your voices are being heard, we’ve decided to select a few and respond.

We'll try to do this on a weekly basis, but we probably won't.

I was offended by Paige's review of War Horse. I found it to be a compelling inquiry into the nature of love, as viewed through an artful juxtaposition with the atrocities of war. I demand a retraction.

- Theophilus G., Boston, MA

I find you to be a compelling inquiry into the nature of prickery, as viewed through an artful juxtaposition of the atrocities of your dispicable Boston accent. I demand a retraction of your existence. Oh, and thanks for reading. -Mike

I ordered a radiator hose, and I received a vat of mocha fondue. Exquisite though it may be, the fondue does literally nothing for my '89 Ford Probe. Please correct your error in a timely fashion.

-Ray M. Murfreesboro, TN

Ray...
...for the 11th time. Please do not use the word "probe" in your "fan mail" to us.
Thanks, Paige

What about frogs?

- Tom C., Duluth, MN

Interesting question, Tom. I'm glad you brought that up. A lot of people are struggling with this issue. You have three options:

1. Like 'em. Don't be a hater.
2. Beat 'em: Consult your local directory, find the number for your local kite-man, sit back and relax while he takes care of business.
3. Join 'em. 

It is okay if I to remove my pants before read your blog?

- Pyotr K., Minsk, Belarus

It would have been had you not mentioned it. - Mike
 

Fondue Movie Reviews: Listener Supported

The fact that we need to address the overflowing mailbag has not been lost on the writers of this blog. We're popular. We get it. We'll respond to your demands when we're done staring at the fluorescent lights, drinking beer, and having rubber band fights with Quebecois dissidents.

During my busy schedule (described above), this little gem managed to catch my eye peeking out of the giant canvas bag of letters languishing next to my combination La-Z-Boy/refrigerator combo. It was sent from one of our most loyal fans (you know who you are!)...

Thank you, longtime listener-first time writer, for this edifying and inspirational submission.

I want this headline on a mug.

And I want it now.

Thanks,
Veruca Salt

Excuses, Excuses....

We are well aware that there is nothing quite like turning on your computer, and excitedly going to this blog to find a fresh new post. We also recognize the other end of the spectrum, that inevitable deep disappointment when you are not greeted with a glorious new post.

We have been slacking a little bit lately, but we want to let you know we have excuses. Here is a sampling:

I haven't seen any movies lately.

I haven't found my voice.

I demand a raise! (It's only fair, the Avon Lady made $443.80 for saying "heck")

My fingers are numb.

The sun was in my eyes.

I'm gettin' too old for this shit.

These are tough economic times we're in.

Thanks for listening. While you await our next post, enjoy this post about us not posting.

-Management

Movie Review

Answers To Some of Life's Questions

What is beauty? Why do bad things happen to good people? What is love? What happens after death? These are some of the Great Human Questions that have inspired great minds to think of great answers and write great amounts of literature to fill great libraries.

They are called "great" human questions because that's what the instructors of Humanities 2930 at Edison Community College, in Fort Myers, Florida call them. And Edison CC is the nexus of the most important philosophical work being done today on this topic. (Additionally, the institution's proximity to Fort Myers Beach affords it a unique perspective from which to view the anthropological marvel known as "Spring Break" and so Edison is also home to some of today's preeminent researchers in the field of Great Human Binge Drinking.)

Edison CC will soon be offering the course "Great Human Answers." Here is a sneak preview of the syllabus (subject to change):

Humanities 9001: Great Human Answers

• Week 1:
• Yes
• Week 2
• No
• Week 3
• I don't think so.
• Week 4
• I doubt it.
• Week 5
• I don't like to talk about that time in my life.
• Week 6
• Only on Tuesdays.
• Week 7
• I'm not at liberty to say.
• Week 8
• Brie cheese and a bikini.
• Week 9
• 5:10 a.m. May 5, 1996
• Week 10
• Blue! My eyes are blue!!

At the end of the course, students will be prepared to answer almost any question posed to them. However, the instructors realize that some questions simply elude satisfactory response, now, and possibly forever. Example: "What is Miley Cyrus?" Not answerable. You may think "Nobody knows" is a sufficient reply. But you would be wrong. This question should be ignored and the inquirer shunned for having spoken the creature's name at all and risking its attention.

Mug of the Day

For the coffee-swilling bowler in your life.

Best Picture Nominees Announced!

Since this is allegedly a movie review blog, we feel it is our duty as civic servants to report on one of the most important movie days of the year, the Oscar nominations. While admittedly we collectively have not seen all of these yet, that won't stop us from at least allowing our readers a sneak peek at this year's contenders.

I'm Miserable:  It's a musical...with Russell Crowe...singing! Movie poster here!

Linkedin: Daniel Day Lewis in a gritty performance as a seasoned professional with over 18 years of experience in financial services and customer service, and over 300 connections. Of course we know how it ends, his account is hacked by an evil corporation, the dental company John Wilkes' Tooth.

Django Unchained: Read my review here!

Like of Pie: Vivian Sinclair stars in a touching tale of one woman's quest to construct the perfect peanut butter pie.

Beasts of the Southern Wild : Read Paige's review here!

(F)Argo:  It was an idea so crazy it was bound to work. A CIA agent (Ben Affleck) attempts to rescue a group of Americans from Iran by pretending to be a Coen brother putting together a film crew for a re-shoot of Fargo. Tragedy ensues when Steve Buscemi's character must be sacrificed in a wood chipper.

Amour: Mal être honnête, je n'ai rien à dire.

Sliver-Lined Playbook: In a topsy-turvy, post-apocalyptic world, a football coach battles multiple slivers and searches for love, and tweezers, in an epic race against time.

Zero Dark Thirty-Rock: Yet another gem from director Kathryn Bigelow. When all military options have failed, only one option remains: Tina Fey. Even Osama Bin laden is not immune to her acerbic wit and sexy glasses.

New Year's Resolution of the Week: Be a Better Listener

In response to my most recent post, I received the following fan mail:

Dear Paige,

I was really looking forward to the first FMR post of the year. Some friends and I went so far as to make wagers as to what the post would be about. I'll be honest, that's how we spent our New Year's Eve. Anyway, I finally see a post come up today, and it's about Gerard Depardieu? Now don't get me wrong, it was funny, and I know Mike is a bit of a Frenchie, but couldn't you have come up with something more... festive?

Thanks,
Nan R., Minot, ND

Nan, thanks for coming forward with your concerns. That takes courage. I can't speak for Mike, but I reward and look kindly upon your kind of pluckiness. I want people to feel they can let me know when I have failed them. For your bravery, you receive a special picture.

The Fluorescent Light Above My Desk

I spent 20 minutes staring at this after reading your letter. Why?

I don't know. I guess I was just bored.

I hope that answers your question.

Gérard Depardieu: Persecution, Flight, Vodka

What fiscal cliff? I've been spending my time following the continuing saga of Gérard Depardieu.

Here is my abridged, almost entirely ignorant, and probably unfollowable version of the events that have transpired thus far:

• 75% income tax proposed for millionaires in La Frahnce. It's a terrible time to be wealthy.
• Depardieu moves to Belgium. For the culture? Doubtful.
• French Prime Minister calls D. "pathetic." Is he talking about Green Card? Non.