Fon Do Scenes: Episode 6- Anchorman

Happy Anchorman 2 Week!!!!

In honor of yesterday's release of the long-awaited Anchorman 2, the decision to post an Anchorman scene today is an easy one. The much harder choice is....which scene to post? We'll make it a short and simple one.

Yes, I will be seeing Anchorman 2 this evening. By the beard of Zeus, I will put on my Sex Panther cologne, work on my enunciating, call my friends, get a quick workout in, and get my tickets.

Consider this an announcement to keep an eye out for a review soon.

Fon Don't: Move to Austin

What? Why not??

Because of traffic. What about traffic?

"The technical word we use is 'awful,' "explains this NPR description of ONE OF THE MOST HELLISH POTENTIAL COMMUTES KNOWN TO MAN!

I'll be honest, I don't care about Austin. Nope. Not really. I do care about the fact that there's a nearby town by the name of Paige. I care about Paige. A lot.

Okay, this is all just an elaborate and clever introduction to one of my favorite news voices of all time: Wade Goodwyn, NPR National Desk Correspondent from Texas, stationed in Dallas. Why Wade? Here's why:

1. Not to be judgmental, but his accent sounds like one could find him, betwixt reports, reclining in a leather club chair, a 10-gallon hat perched at a rakish angle on his wild Texan head of hear, his cowboy boot-clad feet casually crossed at the ankles atop a massive wooden desk, smoking a cigar and brandishing a hunting rifle that he regularly unloads in the direction of an 18-point buck trophy mounted on a nearby wall.
2. He also sounds like one of the sanest people currently living in Texas. (Oh dear. That sounds judgmental too.)
3. Well, anyway, most importantly, he sounds like the narrator of Charlotte's Web. (Although he might gleefully put a bullet in in between Wilbur's beady little porcine eyes. Who knows.)

Despite the fact that I don't know Goodwyn's personal political leanings, I appreciate hearing him on NPR. He and Nina Totenberg reading the transcripts of Supreme Court  proceedings counteract the soul-crushing dialects of at least one other correspondent (whom I am simply too well-mannered to name here, even though I really really really want to).

In conclusion, Wade Goodwyn, please don't be a Republican.

Wade Goodwyn: Fon Do

Fon Do Scenes: Episode 5 - The Big Lebowski

This episode is brought to you by the number '5'.

A few interesting Facts about Five:

• It's the atomic number of the least interesting element on the periodic table: Boron
• Most starfish have 5 appendages. This is known as pentamerism.
• Category 5 hurricanes are the most destructive
• F-5 tornadoes are the most destructive

So...basically...just don't F with the number 5. 

...This episode is also brought to you by the letter 'F', by the way. 

Oh! Something else! The square of 5 is 25. So 25 is, like, 5 times more destructive than 5. 

Oh! I almost forgot! Christmas is coming! Oh, the joy! Let's take a moment to reflect on the true meaning of this glorious holiday.

No, it's not the presents.

No, it's not spending time with family.

No, it's not about food and candy and candy and food and candy and eggnog and candy.

No, none of that.

It's because of Jesus, whose birth we happen to celebrate on the 25th.

So...basically...don't F with Jesus. Times 5.

Black Friday Awards

I don’t know if it’s still called Black Friday, or Black Thursday Early Evening these days, but for the second time ever, I ventured out with my brother to the chaotic shopping scene on Thanksgiving night.

Here are my 2013 Black Friday awards:

Best opening scene: To the ambulance with flashing lights and sirens in the parking lot. This was the first thing I saw when we pulled in. I was hoping it was a precursor to a brawl over the last pair of $2 socks in the store. I really want to see one of these shopping fights that I’m always hearing about.

Best shirt: To the guy in Toys R’ Us wearing a T-shirt that read, “You look like you could use a high-five….in the FACE!!” I should have followed this guy around, I’ll bet there was brawl potential there. That shirt just screamed “I might be aggressive if provoked.”

Most painful moment: Having my Achilles rammed by an overenthusiastic shopper at Target. Avoiding major injury after countless hours of playing basketball, only to be put in crutches by a rabid bargain hunter would have been embarrassing to say the least. Luckily the pain was only momentary.

Best “I’m out of my league here” moment: When the Target doors opened, and everyone took off sprinting to get the item they came for, I made a beeline for the advertisement on the wall to see exactly what the great deals were.

Worst deal: There was a giant box of towels in an aisle at Target. Only $2.99 each!! I didn’t really need any towels, but how could I pass that up? Well, because in reading the fine print, they were only $4.50 each regularly. I returned home sans towels.

Best deal that wasn't a deal: An LED headlamp, for only $5! I’d been wanting one of these, and what a price! However, they were not on sale, $5 was the regular price. Not a good enough deal, I passed. Had they been regularly $10, I would have made the purchase.  

Best actress: To the woman who stepped in front of me in the checkout line. I was 20 feet from finally having an opportunity to pay and get the hell out of Target with my $30 of merchandise after waiting in line for well over an hour, and this nice woman just steps right in front of me.  She was immediately redirected by an employee. Cutting Woman may have been being truthful when she apologized by saying she didn’t notice the giant line zig-zagging through every aisle of the store, but I doubt it. I’m guessing this is where some of the best fights happen!  

Best business idea while waiting outside in the cold waiting for Target to open their doors: My idea of setting up a coffee stand outside these enormous, tedious lines. Or even just walking down the line with a thermos and some cups and charging a buck per cup. After a half hour wait in the bitter cold, I would’ve paid $10 for a Dixie cup of Folgers.

Best pretense of angst over the moral dilemma facing us liberal, socially-conscious shoppers: To the woman behind us in line, who asked a young employee if she was okay with working on Thanksgiving. The employee’s tepid-at-best response of “yes,” gave us the strength to push on.

Until next year….

A Few Random and Pointless Thanksgiving Thoughts

Nobody says "gobble gobble," on Thanksgiving anymore, except ironically.

I always stay away from the cranberry sauce, but I don't believe I've ever actually tasted it.

I don't know what stuffing is exactly, but I can never get enough of it, and every family gathering runs out of it far too quickly.

Pilgrim dress is coming back, and it's coming hard. Pilgrim is the new...whatever was in style last year. So help me God, if this post gets over 500 hits, I promise to dress as a pilgrim next year and post a picture to prove it.



I'm 50/50 on hitting Black Friday for the second time ever this year with my brother. Mainly I thought it would be funny to observe people and gobble glob about it. Does it start earlier now? If I hit the stores at 4 A.M. will everything already be picked through from Thanksgiving night shoppers?

Fon Do Scenes: Episode 4 - Lost in Translation

Bill Murray can say more with the barest innuendo of the slightest movement of an eyebrow than most actors can say in a 5-minute POTUS speech.

Confusion, frustration, humor, despair, exhaustion, jet lag, Murray runs the gamut of emotions. All of them... with [brilliantly understated] intensity.

I'm not saying that this happened. But it's possible that one evening in my 25th year, alone with a bottle of Bordeaux, I spent over an hour filming myself in a recreation of the Suntory commercial. There were many takes involved. The director was insane and incomprehensible. Ultimately, it was rejected by StoryCorps.

P.S. If it won't spoil the relaxing time, you can read the lost translation of what the director is really saying. There's a lot of ecstatic emotion and tenderness involved. I'll be honest, that's basically impossible...except for Bill Murray. Bill Murray can do anything.

Fon Do Scenes: Episode 3- Lost Highway

A couple of comments:

Robert Blake is wonderfully sinister here. I never saw Baretta, so this movie is my only experience with Robert Blake. Because of that, I was not the least bit surprised that he was accused of murder.

That cell phone must weigh at least 60 pounds. I'll bet it has some sweet apps.

I'd recommend Lost Highway if you've enjoyed any other David Lynch movies, if you like being creeped out, or if smooth-flowing plots aren't your cup of tea.

Fon Do Scenes: Episode 2- Fargo

As mentioned in Episode 1 of this entrancing series, look to your left to see the Fon Do lists we are referring to.

Sometimes when you see a movie enough times, you tend to find enjoyment or humor in some of the minor scenes. That's the case for me with regards to the following scene from Fargo. Rightly or wrongly, the movie portrays Fargonians as aloof simpletons. In this hilarious clip, the husband's frustration leads to... *gasp* ...an uncharacteristic use of foul language. His wife grabbing his arm after hearing said foul language is priceless.

Fon Do Scenes: Episode 1 - American Psycho

And now, a regular feature presentation from the FMR editorial board: Fon Do Scenes

...in which we share clips from our Fon Do lists (look to your left).

In this installment, learn what happens when you make the mistake of having a business card that is "noticeably" better than Patrick Bateman's. (Disclaimer: We axe that if you are sensitive to violence to not watch this video and instead search for "Care Bears" on YouTube.)

"The whole album has a clear, crisp sound and a new sheen of consummate professionalism that really gives the songs a big boost."

Inside the Globbers Studio

My co-globber and I recently had to decline invitations to appear on Inside the Actor's Studio. (It's just too risky to be exposed to so many adoring fans. The last time we had to escape to Bora Bora for several months until the hubbub subsided and the FBI apprehended all of our stalkers. There were eight, 6 for Mike and 2 for me. Not that I'm counting. Mine were incredibly gorgeous stalkers; whereas, his were only medium attractive. Quality over quantity, folks. Quality over quantity.)

Moving along...

As you can imagine, we were somewhat disgruntled at having to miss the opportunity to participate in that most alluring and enticing of all interviews: the Questionnaire. And then we realized that we didn't have to miss it at all. So what if Mr. Lipton Tea didn't pose the questions to us with his familiar avuncular drawl. Who are we to withhold our knowledge, wisdom, and experience from our peers simply because we are too popular for our own safety?

Please don't thank us. It was really no trouble at all...

Questionnaire: Mike

1. What is your favorite word? Beggin’
2. What is your least favorite word? and
3. What turns you on? Rodeo clowns
4. What turns you off? Beggin’
5. What sound or noise do you love? A roaring 450 engine with dual carbs
6. What sound or noise do you hate? A laughing child
7. What is your favorite curse word? cockswain
8. What profession other than your own would you like to attempt? Beggin’ for cash
9. What profession would you not like to do? Fluffer
10. If heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the pearly gates? You were my Mona Lisa

Questionnaire: Paige

1. What is your favorite word? Paige
2. What is your least favorite word? Chub
3. What turns you on? Mike’s movie reviews
4. What turns you off? Chair butt heat
5. What sound or noise do you love? Me laughing
6. What sound or noise do you hate? Me not laughing
7. What is your favorite curse word? Walmart
8. What profession other than your own would you like to attempt? Heiress
9. What profession would you not like to do? Poor person
10. If heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the pearly gates? I kept your seat warm but I wasn't sitting in it

Now, we have to run. We heard that J.Lip is going to start speaking French, and he gets a little dodgy when that happens. Don't look him in the eye!

The Coming Age War

I saw an alarming headline today: "New focus on overlooked global threat." In the photograph (as you can see) there was a lovely looking old woman in purple getting some exercise. What could this "threat" be? A new revelation in global warming? A new strain of disease, threatening our elderly? Nope. Just a lot of old codgers running amok.

The alarmist nature of the headline made me think of this comedy sketch: A bowl of hard candy on every corner!

Underrated Treasure of the Week: City Heat

One of these days I shall compose an essay describing in exact detail how the movies I watched repeatedly during my primary school years shaped me into the amazing adult that you know today. However, until the full story appears in its magnificent entirety, hints and allegations will have to suffice. 

Today's feature: the 1984 Depression-era frenemy cop story, City Heat, which stars (quite alliteratively):

• Clint Eastwood as Lieutenant Speer: steely-eyed, snarly, and spare of frame
• Burt Reynolds as Mike Murphy: smarmy, swaggering, and suitably smart alecky
• Madeleine Kahn as Caroline Howley: pronouncing "s" correctly

Here is one of one available scenes I found on You Tube. Enjoy!

But, Paige, you're wondering...how did this affect you? How did this sophisticated cinematic opus mold you into the Nobel Prize winner/model/celebrity chef whose face has appeared on covers of The New Yorker, Cosmopolitan, and National Enquirer?? How, Paige, how???

Shut up! I will tell you.

In the very last scene of this movie, you see Speer and Murphy walking down a dark street. The story has come to a close. Loose ends have been tied up. The arch-nemeses came together to solve a mystery. Their mutual goal accomplished, they can return to their corners to live to die another day.

And Speer says to Murphy, "You'll always be Shorty to me."

It's important to know that my older sister and I often watched this movie together. While she tended to identify with the put-upon Speer, I preferred the rakish good looks of Burt.

And now: she is 5' 11''. And I am 5' 4''.

And there you have it...

City Heat made me short.

Breaking Bad (ever heard of it?): How it Ends

I like Breaking Bad and I don't care who knows it!

Yes, I realize Walter White fever has gripped the nation, and me waxing eloquent about how great of a show it is won't make for an entertaining read. For me though, it has gotten to the point where I really have no interest in watching any other television shows or movies until this epic final season comes to an end.

I'm especially invested in the series because I was very late to the party and I have been watching the show progress essentially non-stop. I started binge-watching on Netflix a few months back, and the timing just happened to be perfect with the Netflix episodes running out and the current season starting on regular television. The acting, nearly flawless writing, and overall intensity of Breaking Bad is unparalleled in any show I have ever seen.

**Caution** Spoilers ahead. Do not read further unless you are caught up with the current episode.




All joking aside, there are really spoilers ahead. Don't say I didn't warn you. This is your last opportunity to turn back. It's not too late.

Last chance!

Ok....

Here is my prediction for the final two episodes of Breaking Bad. I feel fairly confident about this.

The last episode was so heartbreaking, sad, and tragic, that I can't help but think that even for such a dark show we've hit rock-bottom in terms of despair for Walt and his family. While I certainly don't think we are in for a radiant conclusion to the story, I do feel that Walt will do all he can to rectify the massive damage he's done.

We know from the flash-forwards that Walt will be purchasing a large machine gun in the bathroom of a Denny's -incidentally one of my favorite pastimes- but why does he need it? Walt's last gun purchase was in Season 4, when he insisted it was for defense, when in actuality the plan was more of a preemptive strike against Gus. This time around, I believe he's been stewing about his money being stolen by Uncle Jack and the Nazis, and he's planning on heading into Camp Meth N' Misdeeds guns-a-blazing to get back the fortune he worked so hard to accumulate.

Assuming he successfully takes out Adolf's army, what does he do with Jesse? The Nazis have all but stuck a red ball in Jesse's mouth while making him their personal meth chef. While Walt and Jesse aren't exactly on good terms, I think enough time has passed that Walt will find enough compassion to let Jesse go free, and Jesse's story will end with him living and having an opportunity to have a fresh start. I'm sure there will be a little more to it than that, but that will be the end result.

Now we know Walt's cancer is back, and because he's been forced to flee and stay in hiding, we can assume going to regular chemotherapy sessions hasn't been an option. Knowing he is likely facing his last days has created the sense of urgency that leads to him going after his money, and finding a way to get it to his family. Where is the family? I have no idea, but we know they aren't at home anymore. I predict Walt finds them, and I expect a final interaction and some semblance of a reconciliation (an $80 million reconciliation) between Walt and his family.

This brings us to the ricin. Again from the flash-forward, we know that Walt takes a big risk going back to his old house, and he does it to retrieve the ricin hidden behind a wall outlet plate. He really wanted that ricin...he needed that ricin. Who is it for? I believe it is for none other than Walter White himself. His life is in shambles, he's in hiding, he's dying, he's made some sort of amends with Jesse and his family, and recovered his money. What does he have left? Nothing. He's done, he's "out." He's going to let the ricin take care of him before the cancer does.

That's how it ends.

There's a chance that I'm completely wrong, but that's my prediction. If I'm right, feel free to congratulate me profusely for my intelligence and foresight in the comments. If I'm wrong, this post will be whisked away in a minivan to places unknown.

Things you can't spell without spelling other things...

Strategic without tragic

Poem of the Day: Ozymandias

I think we all know why...

Ozymandias
Percy Bysshe Shelley

I met a traveller from an antique land,
Who said—“Two vast and trunkless legs of stone
Stand in the desert. . . . Near them, on the sand,
Half sunk a shattered visage lies, whose frown,
And wrinkled lip, and sneer of cold command,
Tell that its sculptor well those passions read
Which yet survive, stamped on these lifeless things,
The hand that mocked them, and the heart that fed;
And on the pedestal, these words appear:
My name is Ozymandias, King of Kings;
Look on my Works, ye Mighty, and despair!
Nothing beside remains. Round the decay
Of that colossal Wreck, boundless and bare
The lone and level sands stretch far away.”

---

Conveniently, Mr. Shelley was married to Mrs. Shelley, a.k.a. Mary Shelley a.k.a. author of Frankenstein a.k.a. The Modern Prometheus. Some viewers might not be opposed to Walter White a.k.a. Heisenberg meeting the same end that the Titan did, namely being bound to a rock and having an eagle visit him every day to eat his liver, and then regrowing his liver overnight and having it all happen again the next day, a.k.a. Groundhog Day II: It's for the Birds...

...I'm sorry. I forgot where I was going with this.

50 First Dates: The 10-Words-Or-Fewer (or is it Less?) Movie Review

Amnesia: I'd like some too please.

What to Expect When You're Expecting: Wasn't What I Was Expecting

It was...funny?

Netflix Review of the Week: Compliance

As fans of Breaking Bad know, a fast-food chicken restaurant can be a haven for debauchery. The employees at Chickwich, the fictional chicken shack in the frustrating and fascinating Compliance, aren't killing Mexican drug cartels or slinging blue meth, but they seem to have taken a couple puffs from the pipe of idiocy.

It's important to note that Compliance is based on a true story. Frankly, the movie just wouldn't be the least bit believable were it not.The manager of Chickwich, played to perfection by Ann Dowd, receives a phone call informing her that one of her employees, an attractive young woman, has committed theft in the restaurant. The caller claims to be a police officer, but it quickly becomes evident that either this policeman is either sickeningly fond of eschewing standard protocol, or it's some sort of prank. While the answer becomes increasingly obvious to the viewer, the Chickwich employees never waver in their compliance (yes, I realize I used the movie title here) with the instructions of this caller.

The story is essentially a modern-day Milgram Experiment. How far will people go when being told what to do by an authority figure? Why do they do it? Is it because they feel they aren't responsible for their actions if they are being given orders? Is it a deeply ingrained respect or fear of authority? Group think? Are they just freaking idiots?

Many viewers of Compliance will chalk this up to it just being a case of a few moronic small-town fast food workers being duped. While I'll cop to being floored at their lack of queries as well, this behavior is a sociological phenomenon that even those of us who scoff at the characters in the movie should admit we may also be susceptible to, albeit not to the extremes on display in the film.

How many people with far more impressive pedigrees than I have been more than willing to accept our own government at its word when it tells us that Iraq must be invaded because of their weapons of mass destruction? How many people are more than happy to have many of their civil liberties infringed upon because they're told it might prevent a terrorist attack? As the gap between the rich and everyone else continues to widen, how many people are content to lie down and accept whatever scraps they are given by their employers? Most importantly, why am I asking so many questions in a movie review?

The fact is, most all of us are in fact compliant with authority figures, at least to some degree. While that isn't always necessarily a bad thing, Compliance reminds us that the old saying "Question Authority," still has a place in society.

Movie Scene of the Day: Buffalo 66

All this talk of the 4th dimension reminds me of the simple pleasure of spanning time:

"Let's look like we like each other and span time, but do not touch me. Okay? Do not touch me."

Meanwhile, off the coast of Alki...

Octopus's Junkyard from Laura James on Vimeo.

...I haven't been able to get the song out of my head since I watched this video. So basically this post is a selfish attempt to transfer the annoyance to the next reader à la Mark Twain's Punch, Brothers, Punch. (What? You haven't read it??)

As a semi-responsible blogger, I feel I should provide some context for this video. If for no other reason than to offer it as minimal restitution for getting the cursèd song stuck in your head:

In a post in the comments thread of an August 2 story in the West Seattle Blog, Diver Laura describes how the Alki "Junkyard" came to be so named: "At some point in West Seattle History folks decided to dump things there, like old computers, car parts, washing machines, bathtubs, toilets, etc." Sadly, the area has experienced a recent spate of do-gooding and the last few years have found philanthropic divers not only removing the detritus for which the area is named but also adding "neat enhancements."

That's enough.

I'm exhausted.

Upstream Color: A Movie Review by Paige

+

=

Royal Bay-Bay Watch

NO YES!!!!

The Pixar Universe....A Vast Conspiracy?

It's come to our attention that this blog has not been sufficiently stocked with content as of late. While we have several ideas in mind, topics ranging from the Zimmerman trial to why we so freely insult skunks by using the phrase "drunk as a skunk," but nothing has quite risen to the level of becoming an actual FMR post.

In the spirit of laziness, I was able to find something that another blogger wrote that is worth re-globbing. It's an amazing theory on Pixar movies.  I haven't decided yet if I'm buying into this "conspiracy," but I must say, it's very well thought out and an entertaining read. It's also movie related. If I remember correctly, this is a movie review glob.

Poem: I've never met a...

"I've never met a guy named Cody who wasn't wearing a rope necklace." - Julius Sharpe

@juliussharpe

I've never met a Julius I didn't want to buy at the mall and sip out of a straw.
I've never met a Lucy I didn't want to get tight with.
I've never met a John I didn't want to lock the door on.
I've never met a Tiffany I didn't want to get into a small argument with. (Actually, I've never met a Tiffany I didn't want to punch in the face.)
I've never met a Rita I didn't want to buy at a Mexican restaurant at the mall and sip out of a straw.

I've never met a Debbie that didn't look 10 years older than her age.
I've never met a Todd that didn't have a mullet in high school.
I've never met a Nancy who hasn't had a "playful" haircut at some point.

I've never met a Randy I didn't want to tell to "settle down!"
I've never met a Margaret I wanted to call Peggy.
I've never met a Peggy who didn't have a parrot on his shoulder.

It's been three weeks!

*gasp* After this long, the next post better be awesome.

Tip of the Day: Don't Live to Be 100,000

I once had a strong desire to live forever. After reading this , I would now like to pass away at 99,999.

When I read the headline to this story, I was excited to see what sort of well-thought out scientific and artistic work would be contained in the article. This must have taken extensive research, right? After looking at it, apparently all they could come up with is, in 100,000 years... GIANT EYES!! Giant, scary, cartoonish eyes. I was thinking maybe in 100,000 years, we'd be undergoing subtle but noticeable changes to facial structure, maybe we'd develop a new organ....nope, just GIANT EYES! I could have written and drawn this article myself. How would I do this you ask? Well, I would simply take a picture of a current human, and photoshop GIANT EYES onto it.

Speaking of Star Trek...

The Replicator, finally!

"What's it doing?"
"I don't know. I ordered a chai. But...nothing."
"Nothing?"
"No, it just kind of made a fizzing sound."
"What the hell!"
"What are we going to do? I don't know what chai is."
"I think it's liquified beef and sugar."
"No, that can't be right."
"Well, bang on it with your fist."
"Thanks. I tried that already."
"Did you try turning it off and then on again?"
"Um, yeah. I'm not an idiot."
"Well, did you wait a few seconds before you turned it back on again."
"I'm not going to answer that."
"Hmm."
"I really want some chai."

Mud: McConaughey plays southern hick, impresses critics with acting range

I kid, I kid. But c'mon. Nobody seems to be mentioning this. The Dazed and Confused One's performance is described as "authentic" and riveting, adjectives which I think deserve further examination...

Authentic
My performance would also be authentic if I tossed some prosthetic teeth into my mouth and continued with my standard daily operating procedure. Speaking of which, if we have learned anything from Nicole Kidman (and we have learned so much!!*) it is that there exists a direct link between facial prostheses and surefire Oscar wins. I predict now that M.M. takes home an Academy Award come next year.

Riveting
The character of Mud has not taken a bath in a very very very very very long time. Was it difficult for me to imagine Matthew McConaughey not washing for days, possibly weeks, on end?

The answer is "No." No. That is not difficult for me to imagine.

Often, I couldn't tell if what I was observing on McConaughey's skin was an extremely advanced tan or the dawning of a new bacterial civilization. And, frankly, this confusion was...riveting.

*     *     *

Other critics have compared "Mud" to "Huckleberry Finn" and "Stand By Me." Undoubtedly, the former is more analogous thematically, but I'm simply not literate enough to make that kind of connection on my own. So let's just ignore that because it's hurting my self esteem.

Instead, let us focus on the second movie association, which offered me a more satisfying feeling of validation because THIS ACTUALLY OCCURRED to me while I was in the theater. Mostly because Jacob Lofland bears an uncanny resemblance to a young River Phoenix. Do the movies describe similar motifs? Contain parallel plot elements? Bear cinematographic resemblances? No no no. I don't truck in that. Ladies and gentleman, I am shallow! Shallow!! Shallow!!! Shallow as the day is long. I am not interested in any delicate undertones of loyalty, chivalry, and camaraderie that may be elegantly and unobtrusively expressed in this story. I want to know why that kid's name is Neckbone!!

Neckbone, Mud, Juniper, Senior...I did some investigating and the current leading baby names in the state of Arkansas are: Catfish (boys) and Used-Tire (girls). Do with that what you will.

"Listen, it's important. I need you to bring me back some lye and a flamethrower."

Postscript
For the sake of authenticity, I feel it's my duty to inform our dear reader that I did actually enjoy this movie. Tye Sheridan steals the whole show with his sensitive and highly credible performance. But in one particularly emotional scene near the end, he delivers the raw frustration and heartbreak that occurs when childlike idolization discovers the fragility and fallibility of love. I was honestly riveted by this moment's authenticity.

*Not sure what else we've learned from N.K. but something will come to me. Sometime.

Star Trek 2- Dammit Jim, It's an Action Movie, Not A Novel!

It's blockbuster season at the movies. Bang! Boom! Kerplow! There is action at every turn to satisfy our apparent need to constantly be entertained, every...single....second. I've taken in Iron Man 3 and Star Trek 2 in the past couple of weeks. While both movies were somewhat visually stimulating, with some mildly humorous dialogue mixed in, something key is missing, and that something is a story.

While watching Star Trek 2, The Quest For Curly's Gold, I came to the realization that I only had a vague notion of what the plot was really all about. Now I realize these movies are not made, or viewed, for the storytelling. The masses want to see these movies to be entertained for a couple of hours and then go back to being over-stimulated by other forms of media. I also realize there isn't that much to "get," it's essentially good guys battle bad guys and the good guys come out victorious. However, I did want to know what the actual story was. I became a little worried during the movie, because I only had a vague notion of the intricacies of the plot. There were two possible reasons for this. The first possibility  just couldn't be true. The second possibility is more accurate I think. The plot seems to be something that is haphazardly thrown in as a way to get from one action scene to the next.

Here's how these action movies tend to go nowadays: An action scene. followed by some witty banter, followed by another action scene, followed by a two minute, rapid-fire explanation of the plot. "You see, (insert bad guy name) was brought here by an alien ship that was nearly destroyed in an alternate universe on the planet Voltar, but due to the current galactic rule 875,25, section A, (which you'd know about if you read the graphic novel) which doesn't allow him into the universe until he's had intergalactic lap-band surgery which can only be performed by Dr. Xulu (also from the graphic novel), so (bad guy) must destroy the world to avoid having intergalactic lap-band surgery!" Got all that? Okay, good. Now watch as the good guys fight the bad guys while jumping 200 feet onto a moving spaceship travelling at 300 MPH.

I'm not trying to pan Star Trek 2. It had some good moments, and it was successful as a somewhat entertaining summer blockbuster. I guess I just wish filmmakers wouldn't make the assumption that audiences have the attention span of a concussed manatee. I think technology has actually hurt the science fiction and action film genres. For instance, why was the first Star Wars prequel so awful? It was because the filmmakers fell in love with the idea of CGI and the limitless capabilities of modern special effects, and it seemed contrived and fake. What made the original Star Wars so great was at least partially the story, which, while simple, was still fleshed out throughout the movie. If someone asked you to explain the plot of Star Wars, you could do it pretty easily. With Star Trek 2 and similar films, you know just enough that you can follow along, but there certainly isn't a real story being told.

*pop*

Gluhrrhrglrurhghhg

"There Was Actually A Press Release About This" Of the Day

But as I was reading the results of Public Policy Polling's most recent glimpse into the social landscape of America, I couldn't help letting out a great gusty sigh of relief.

46% of respondents believe that hipsters "soullessly appropriate cultural tropes from the past for their own ironic amusement." Phew! I thought. Here is confirmation that I am definitely not a hipster. My amusement is quite literal when I soullessly appropriate cultural tropes from the past.

Goodbye To Some Comedic Phrases

As a public service, we'd like to announce the passing of some key interoffice guffaw-inducing phrases that have outlived their usefulness.

Got ____? (an homage to the Got Milk? ads)
1993-2013

Got___? had a smooth, but uneventful 20-year career. A phrase used often by armchair comedians, this was a joke that would occasionally elicit a smile, but rarely a laugh. Sadly, even the original ads featuring various celebrities with milk mustaches became unfunny early on, and mildly nauseating to those of us who don't enjoy sloppy eating and drinking habits.


I could tell you, but I'd have to kill you.
1990-2013

I could tell you, but I'd have to kill you had an illustrious career as a water cooler favorite. It was heavily used in the early 2000's, but had recently fallen on hard times. Originally funny because the thing that you would theoretically be telling was something very tame, such as "hey where is the executive washroom?" Usually followed by a courtesy chuckle by the recipient.

I'm not a _____, but I play one on TV.
1972-2013

Based off a popular Excedrin commercial from the 70's, in which the phrase, "I'm not a doctor, but I play one on TV," was uttered, this phrase grew in popularity to the point where most any career could replace doctor. One key to the phrase's international adoration was the interactive aspect. As someone said, "I'm not a ____," the person with whom they were speaking could quickly chime in with, "..but you play one on TV..." and the two parties in the conversation could enjoy a humorous moment together.

Some passings not previously reported: : Imitating Sling Blade, "Show me the money," "Let us never speak of this again," "Wazzzup" (The Budweiser guys), "Bud-Wei-ser," (the Budweiser frogs), and "You the man."

You Are Not To Mess With Texas

Texas, your leader. Good lord, this blockhead ran for President, and was considered a front-runner at one point!!

I don't know whether to laugh or cry. Actually that's not true, I can't stop laughing at it. I love the drawn-out, wistful gaze. Defenseless animals, watch your backs, the guv-nah needs dinner.

UFO's! Lobbyists! Politicians! Religion!

This article made me think about several points that I felt like blabbing about.

There is a UFO advocacy group? And they are actively lobbying politicians??? I'm pretty excited about what could come of this actually.

The article states, "When asked about the fact that he was compensated for his participation in the hearing, Gravel says it did not influence him to agree with the testimony." Of course he would say that. A politician would never admit they were fighting for a cause simply because they were paid by a lobby/advocacy group. They can't think anyone would believe this statement can they?

This goes to show, politicians will shill for absolutely anything for the right price. If I started a lobby to blow up the moon, and gave a senator a million dollars, there's no doubt in my mind there would soon be a debate about how important the moon really is, and what dangers it presents.

In general, I am a believer in UFO's. A very skeptical believer, but a believer nonetheless. I have heard a few stories first hand, and it generally seems somewhat believeable to me. I'm not 100% convinced by any means, but I don't dismiss it out of hand. Why is it that almost all of the sightings are in remote areas? If I were travelling to another planet, I'd want to take a look at the more populated areas. Heck, just by accident you'd think one of these UFO's would fly into New York, or Beijing.

I find it humorous that people who claim to be absolutely, without a shred of a doubt, convinced that their religion is unequivocally true, yet scoff and snicker at anyone who might believe in the existence of UFO's or alien life. Believe in neither, believe in both, even believe in one more than the other, but I find it contradictory to believe so strongly in religion while questioning the sanity of someone who believes in the possibility of UFO's. An argument could me made that the existence of aliens is actually significantly more plausible.

Oblivion: The Tom Cruise Test

• Is the main character named Jack?
• At some point, does Jack reminisce about a great moment in sports history?
• Does the soundtrack sound like Vangelis on steroids? 
• Is there a scene that seems to exist solely for the purpose of making the audience watch Jack ride a futuristic motorcycle through a futuristic landscape set to futuristic Vangelis-on-steroids music? 
• Does Jack soliloquize to such hackneyed excess throughout the film that you question how the screenplay even made it into production? 
• Is there a smoking hot, tall female character in love with Jack? (Trick question: That's almost every movie in Hollywood. The real question is: Are there two??) 

If you answered "Yes" to most of these questions, you are probably watching a Tom Cruise movie.
If you answered "Yes" to all of these questions, you are definitely watching a Tom Cruise movie.

Oblivion is a Tom Cruise movie.

In case you weren't sure...

Hi! I'm Tom Cruise! I'm on a motorcycle. I ride motorcycles in movies. Look at me! I'm standing on this motorcycle. I'm Tom Cruise!!
Via

I Got A Traffic Ticket

In light of the recent Reese Witherspoon fiasco, one could assume that the notion that somebody can get away with breaking the law simply because they are famous is a thing of the past.

But isn't it possible this was just the wrong celebrity, and more importantly the wrong method? You can’t browbeat an officer into letting you off the hook, as Reese now knows all too well. One must use a more cunning, and tactful strategy, not to mention being a bit more relevant than Reese “wasn’t I just cute as a button in Election?” Witherspoon.

I unwittingly put this theory to the test the other day, when I playfully ran a stop sign on a side street, right in front of a motorcycle cop. The officer approached and asked where I was headed "in such a hurry.” Rather than explain to him that I have much more efficient methods of getting somewhere “in a hurry” besides performing a rolling stop at 1.5 MPH, I kindly issued him a mea culpa with my best smile.

My humility was simply a ruse to soften the officer up. My plan was to go to my wallet and slip a crisp dollar bill under my driver’s license when he asked for it. Knowing full well that motorcycle cops are notoriously tough to bribe however, I knew I’d have to up the ante a bit. That’s right, a five spot, a Lincoln.

I was very coy about the whole thing. As I handed him my license with the five dollar bill underneath, I said with a wink, “Oops! How did that get in there? Tell you what, how about you just take that, and go back to your motorcycle and we’ll pretend this little incident never happened.” This must have been the world’s richest cop though, because he quickly rebuffed me and proceeded to begin the process of running my license and most likely writing me a ticket.

I had only one option left. “Officer friendly….wait a second,” I yelled. “I’m not trying to big-time you here, but I’m sure you've heard of Fondue Movie Reviews….” Five, maybe ten seconds of uncomfortable silence ensued. “Well, I write for that website. Do you hear me? I write for Fondue Movie Reviews!!!”

The officer continued to pretend like he couldn't hear me, or didn't know what I was talking about. I grew more agitated. “Do you know who I am? Are you not getting this? I am very important! FONDUE F’ING MOVIE REVIEWS. I write for them!!!” Finally, he handed me my ticket for nearly $300. As he rode off (at an unsafe speed I might add), I lay down on the street, openly weeping and pounding my fist against the hard asphalt beneath me, screaming “Fondue Movie Reviews…very famous and important…I know important people…I’ll have your badge, I’ll have your baaaaaaaaaaadge!!!!!!”

Editor's note: This is still an open case. For legal purposes, I must clarify that other than me being the recipient of a cruel and heartless ticket, none of this really happened. 

Demi Baguette from Macrina Bakery!

In the immortal words of Carly Simon...

"It's the stuff that dreams are made of."

Dear Readers, take it from me. This seemingly innocuous sandwich is the gateway to an addiction rivaled only by J.Crew Factory shopping

.

Aspic!

A better title for this article would have been Aspic Rations.

Why I am wholly confused at least half the time...

This is a makeup compact:

This is a laptop:

You may notice that both items share a similar clamshell-like construction. To access the contents of either the compact or the laptop, one must simply prize open the two halves of the object, and presto.

But look closely and you will see that there is one extremely confounding difference between these two items: the direction of the picture or text on the lid. Whereas the text on the makeup container is legible to the person opening the product, the text or picture on the laptop is right-side-up not to the user, but to those looking at the user. Presumably, this is so because other people see a person on a laptop and muse, "Wow! That is one sexy mofo on that laptop there. I would like to be as attractive as that person. I can do this by purchasing the same exact item that is making that person seem so desirable. If only I knew what company manufactured the device on which they are typing so magnificently, so sexily. Ah! Thank heavens the company has stamped the logo so cleverly on the lid that I might read it from across this coffee shop and make plans to procure one of my own. Before I know it, other people will be coveting me and my personal mobile computer! Thank heavens for capitalism! Bless us all!!"

Presumably, that is happening.

And that is why the text must be upside down to me when I am trying to open my laptop.

And this is why, after becoming accustomed to this idiosyncratic rule for getting at the heart of my laptop, I am consequently unable to get to the powder in the makeup compact. It is a sad tapestry of despair that is woven by my frustrated attempts to open either of these objets de l'enfer.

Nnnnggghh. Nnnnnngggghhh. Can't. Get. To. Blush. Am. Hideous.

Nnnnnggghh. Nnnnnngggghhhh. Am. Hideously. Ugly. Want. To. Watch. Netflix. Can't. Open. Laptop.

*collapse*

Confused Hipster Music News

Electro-folk chorale troupe Sarcastic Zombie Pirate announced today that they were officially disbanding as of 3:07 p.m. yesterday afternoon. At least three fans in Cohasset, Massachusetts, wrote to FMR to express their quiet, rage-filled chagrin at the news. Formed in March 2013, Sarcastic Zombie Pirate released the smash hit, Davy Jones' Plums, a syntho-spoken haiku with an ethereal oboe-heavy backbeat. Plums reached #12 on the Obfuscatory Anti-Billboard Charts, a widely respected, but mostly unknown, independent ratings chart that focuses on peculiarly unlistenable music.

Although the reasons for the band's breakup remain a mystery, an anonymous source revealed they informed their agent of the news via this somewhat enigmatic...letter? poem?

The pirate thing was pretty much the worst thing ever.
Yeah, "arggh" haha. We get it.
Oh an eye patch! Nice touch.
Yes, I'll walk the plank. Good one.
No, I won't help you find the buried treasure.
Yes, if only we could find you a parrot for your shoulder.
We just don't want to eat anyone's brains anymore.

No band members could be reached for immediate comment.

Brilliant Idea #824: Retinal Scan Coffee Ordering

Program my coffee preferences into my eyeball. Then, when I shuffle up to any coffee joint in any city on the planet, they know exactly how much steamed soy I want in my septuple americano. Why hasn't this been implemented yet? Do I have to think of everything?!?!?

Last Friday Was A Catastrophe!

Casual day and my super skinny jeans were in the dirty clothes hamper. What unacceptable rubbish this is, I thought, as I perused my extensive, yet still unsatisfying wardrobe options. I had to make do with some boring old, figure-flattering boot-cut pair.

Skinny jeans: Incomparable. Ineffable. So revealing. So casual. So dress up- and dress down-able. How can it be that there is no attire that provides an adequate substitute for this most delightful and universally appropriate article of clothing, in either form or function? And yet, it is so. There is a gaping hole in the American closet when skinny jeans are in the wash.

Thus, I have taken it upon myself to suggest some alternatives should any of our dear readers ever encounter the same horrific nightmare that visited me late last week.

The Jumper
Ah, the jumper, that saucy number popularized by Shelley Duvall in The Shining. Should you find yourself bereft of your skinnies, the jumper (or pinafore, if you're British) will do quite nicely in a pinch. Pair it with a turtleneck for heightened allure.

Jodhpurs
Specifically, brightly patterned jodhpurs. A Hawaiian-print pair should be a staple in any self-respecting woman's or metrosexual's closet. Once you have those, feel free to expand your collection. Experiment with tie-dye, tribal patterns, animal prints, and pink camouflage. Then put some taps on your shoes. Nothing says "active, equestrian lifestyle" like the sound of you clip-clopping down the sidewalk like a Clydesdale.

Culottes
I'm thinking wide legs, huge wide legs that flutter and frill around your thighs like you're Annie Oakley at a shuffleboard tournament. Wear them with a sombrero to look especially fetching at the next board meeting.

You'll need the baseball bat to ward off all the suitors who will be drawn to you and your jumper-rocking bod like bees to honey.
Via

Update on blog contributor Ray Prail after his bizarre run-in with an irate unicorn.

Dead.

Homework: How to do it and not do it at the same time, thus creating a singularity for your grade to fall into and never be heard from again

Look what I did today! I made this!

Okay, so I was supposed to be reviewing and writing a several-page paper on something or other. But that doesn't matter! That's not important anymore. Because I made a stereograph! 

I didn't even know what a stereograph was and now I'm going to be rich and famous because I'm so effing good at it. Look at it go! Wheeeeeeeeee!

P.S. Do you want to make one too? If so, I challenge you to a stereograph duel! *thwap thwap* a.k.a. *glove slap*

Roger Ebert

Even though movies aren't reviewed around here quite as often as we'd like, the fact that the words "movie,"and "review" are in our title requires us to say a few words about Roger Ebert, the longtime movie critic who passed away yesterday.

I grew up watching At the Movies, with Gene Siskel and Ebert. What a great show. Although Siskel and Ebert did agree a fair amount of the time, it was their intense, and very real bickering that really took the show to another level. The concept of a show with two people with differing viewpoints arguing with each other has unfortunately been copied far too many times, but back then, it was a novel and highly entertaining concept. Most people assumed the two critics couldn't stand one another.

I usually found that Ebert's opinion carried more weight with me (honestly, that's not a dig at him being the more portly of the two in those days). In those days, movie critics weren't quite as commonplace as they are now, and they were a bit more pretentious. Ebert was different though. He was just as quick to heap praise on a movie that might not be considered particularly artistic, but simply provided humor or entertainment.

I also admire Ebert for continuing to stay in the public spotlight somewhat after his cancer surgery had left him without the ability to speak. While this meant his television days were behind him, he still poured himself into writing about not only movies, but politics and life in general.

I'll resist the temptation to say something like, "thumbs up Roger," but I'll just say that I can't imagine another movie critic ever being as influential as he was.

Mug of the Day

Breaking News

Dateline: Portland, OR

Controversial blogger and gun enthusiast Ray Prail was the victim of a hit-and-run accident this morning. Paramedics have taken him to Nightingale Memorial Hospital where it is reported that every single bone in his body has been broken or crushed, save his coccyx which remains surprisingly intact. 

"I've never seen anything like it," said Dorothy Blarny, who witnessed the heinous assault from a nearby coffee shop. "I noticed him sort of sauntering through the cross walk. He couldn't move too fast 'cause his britches was sagging purt near down to his knees. Well, outta nowhere comes this pickup, just going hell for leather towards him. I thought for sure he'd jump outta the way, but he fell instead and the truck...well, it just rolled right over him."

New Contributor- Ray Prail

Good morning Ladies and Germs,

My name is Ray Prail, and I am happy as a clam to be joining the cheesy fondue team! This is my introduction, and I will be posting multiple times per day from here on out.

WARNING: People don’t always get me, I can be awfully sarcastic, but if you are clever enough to follow along with me, I think you’ll really enjoy my, shall we say…musings. I may get myself into hot water at times, but I really don’t care whose toes I step on, this is just who I am.

I'll be blogging about rock (mainly metal bands), mainstream movies, the 2nd Amendment, and if you're lucky, some stories from my weekend ragers. 

A little background on me:

Hometown: Vancouver, WA

Favorite movies: The Fast and the Furious, Transformers 2, 10,000 B.C.

Favorite bands: Korn, The Offspring, Alabama Shakes.

Favorite restaurants: Pasta Pronto! Shari's, Lovejoy Market, Taco Bell (when I'm hammered!)

Now, for a little fun to roast my new team members:

Mike? More like “Bike,” except a bike is actually good exercise. Reading your nonsensical posts is an exercise in futility. You just aren't nearly as funny as you think you are. Every time I read one of your posts, I make the Tommy Lee Jones Golden Globes face.

Maybe it wasn't a great idea to start a movie review blog since apparently the most recent thing you've watched is a kid's show from the 70's. You want a review? Here's Siskel and Ebert's review of your writing: Two big thumbs down!!

Paige? More like "Cage," meaning I feel that I'm locked in one anytime I read your posts. You think you're too cool to review a mainstream movie don't you? Well I have news for you, nobody is going to see any of the movies you review, no matter how many fancy words you use to tell us how great it is! 

They say a picture tells a thousand words, and you seem to agree, since you think a picture is worthy of a post. More like a picture is worth a thousand nerds, like I could find a thousand nerds that I like better than you, nerd!

Hey readers of FMR? Oh wait, there aren't any! Now that I am on board, at least this site will get interesting, and some of my buddies (what's up Donny and Jason!!) will get involved in the comments section and make that more than the snoozefest it currently is. 

I hope I didn't rub any of you the wrong way. Actually I hope I did, because that's who I am. It takes a while to get me, but if and when you do, I believe you'll be very entertained. 

I'm out,

Ray.

Just Because of the Day

New Look

How do you feel about the visual changes we've made to the site?

I don't know about you, but I feel grape!



In doing research for this post, I noticed that a Google search for "grape ape" resulted in a few pictures of the cherished, wholesome childhood character that you see pictured above. Most of the pictures however, were close-up shots of Satan's herb, marijuana. Unbeknownst to me, there is a strain of marijuana called "grape ape!"

I see no reason not to name every strain after 80's cartoon characters. Huckleberry Hound, Barney Rubble, Bam-Bam, Papa Smurf, Shaggy, and Thundarr the Barbarian all sound like things one would feel comfortable inhaling should one choose to partake in such an activity.

Get thee behind me Grape Ape!

Inane Internet Polls

While combing the internet looking for something very important and work-related, I came across a poll on Yahoo that seemed incredibly pointless and mundane, even for the internet:


POLL

Are you hooked on March Madness?

•  Yes, I'm watching.
•  No, I'm not a fan.

View Results »

17,170 votes

Y! Sports NCAA basketball coverage »

Yes, you read that correctly. 17,170 people took the time to vote on this (so far). I'm a big basketball fan, and an even bigger fan of time wasting, but this is utterly ridiculous.

Oh and Yahoo, we are onto you. We know you don't really care about the final tally. We know you aren't sitting around the water cooler talking about the latest ups and downs of the "yes I'm a fan" voters. "Bonnie in accounting just e-mailed me, and 'yes' is up 6% since lunch!" This is just a shameless way to increase traffic, or "hits" to your site as you like to call them.

Now I understand that Yahoo is more heavily trafficked than this site, but we have not had anywhere near that amount of people read our insightful, funny, original content since the inception of the blog.

Could it be that we are too challenging? Too insightful? Too funny? Don't answer that.....

With the public's love of mindless polls in mind, I've decided to add a few polls to this post, in hopes of enticing some of the more...how do I put this nicely.... shamefully illiterate readers to take a peek at what we have to offer.

*Editors note- It's really time consuming and hard to put a poll into a post, so you won't actually be able to vote and see the results, unless you'd like to put your answers in the comments. Paige will tally them up sometime in the future.

Poll
Which is larger, an elephant or a bumble bee?
() Elephant
() Bumble Bee
() About the same size
() I don't know                    

Poll
Do you like movies?
() Yes
() No
() I don't know

Poll
How do you feel about the internet?
() It's great! I hope it's here to stay
() I don't like it, I wish it would go away
() I don't know

Poll
What is your favorite number?
() One (1)
() Two (2)
() Other
() I don't know

Welcome new readers! Now that you've found us, we hope you're here to stay.